is it even possible to get to a place where one can say "I want such-and-such" instead of this compulsion to say "part of me wants, but part of me doesn't" ?!?!?!?! Why can't I do that? Is it really a matter of "parts"? Or does it have more to do with me not trusting myself and always needing an out or an excuse or something??????????????????????????????????????????????????????? I don't much care for this "parts" idea anyway. Even though my whole freaking life I've said the "part of me wants/part of me doesn't" thing regarding half a gazillion different things.

Sometimes I feel like I'm only barely getting started, like I've barely scratched the surface, even though I've been at this for such a long time already.