I’m not an expert, but it seems you have some deficit in your reasoning abilities. You take it to an all or nothing place, very child-like, saying since X happened and caused a bad experience, then you will never do X in any shape or form again.

That’s just not true. It wasn’t that you did the thing, it was more subtle factors that happened that one time when doing the thing.

I feel like I and others have exhausted ourselves trying to explain subtle, gray areas and you see only black and white.