Quote:
Originally Posted by Earendil
And I totally get you about the empathy. It's a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, it is very helpful when someone I know is having a hard time with something, because not only do I feel for them, I feel with them. That gives me a better "feeling" for how to help and comfort them. On the other hand, when someone is angry with me (i.e. my wife), suddenly I'm angry too and I have no idea why. It has caused more than one argument in our marriage over the years. This is a recent revelation for me, so I'm hoping that the next time she's mad at me and I'm starting to feel that anger, I'll recognize it and not reciprocate.
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You explained that well
It's possible your sister is more of an enabler type. For a lot of spouses, it's a slow slide and you don't even realize you're in it until you're up to your neck.
I don't know if you'd get some value from this particular book, but one of the best books I've read in recent times is about passive aggressive behaviors. It's titled "The Angry Smile" and the people who wrote it pioneered a lot of the research on the subject. It's interesting and scary too. They contend that everyone knows what passive aggression is, but because everything always appears unintentional or even well meaning (plausible deniability) the psychology community generally can't recognize it. It's how people like this get away with the things they do. Your post made me think of it, because they said that in their research, they were very surprised to learn that most of the people who were passive aggressive were not only fully aware of what they were doing, but enjoyed it- the power and control it gave them.
If you think you can relate to passive aggressive agendas, I highly recommend the book. I'd spent a couple of years trying to understand the subject, and that book gave such a fantastic understanding that I no longer research it. It helped me recognize it, not doubt my perceptions, and then to understand how to deal with it.
That whole thing about planning though... I spent years concerned that the disordered people I deal with were some kinds of masterminds, then at a point realized they aren't. They generally aren't smart or clever, what they are is chaotic. When a good person does something intentionally, they're careful and meticulous. A disordered person doesn't have to be; carelessness and irrational behavior results in more chaos. They aren't like someone carefully carving a sculpture into their vision, they're more like a child flinging toys around in a tantrum. No matter how it ends, they'll have caused plenty of disruption and chaos, you know? JMHO though. That's not to say that some aren't masterminds, just that most are sloppy and still get the results they want. But as you know, it still makes them potentially dangerous
