It sounds like you are in a very confused emotional state and at a genuine “loss”. This is a very personal challenge and has a lot to do with very early imprinting and your personal journey of finding ways to navigate.

It’s important that you don’t beat yourself up while experiencing this personal evaluation. From what you have shared, you do use whatever you do have to work hard to generate funds to make gains. So, you do have a good sense of work ethic.

I think that you wanted to get respect from a class of people that tend to mostly be entitled and use. When you begin to see the reality there is the desire to run home to some kind of safe. That is a very normal human response.

Feelings are not always fact however, so it’s important to take the time to slowly evaluate. The reason for this is that you don’t want to dismiss the things you did that were and are positives.