possible trigger





I guess this is where I should start. I could post in just about any forum on here, but this is where I should be now. And I guess that knowing that is something, and a good thing.

Seeing as I'm still knew I won't go too much into my past. I guess addictions sums up most of my "stuff", thought it's been called a bunch of other things. Self injury, attachment issues, secret keeping, eating disorders. And now.....drinking. way to much drinking.

I've had a small issue with drinking since college (btw- that was a long time ago!). When I drank I tended to partake just a bit to much. But that didn't seem all that bad, because it wasn't often. Then about 10 years ago, that not too often became once a week. There is more to that once a week thing, but I'm gonna save that for when I'm a little more comfortable here. Then, and I can tell you exactly when- Feb 18, 2022 it became a big problem. Though as with all things of this nature- I didn't see that until much later.

That was the Friday before February vacation. It had been a really tough year at work, and so with excitement for a weeks vacation, I left work, and bought a 12 pack of Truly. It was gone that day. Then I bought more on Saturday, and every day of that vacation. It was vacation right? But then, I just kept going.

Around New years I told myself I would cut down after the Holidays. But well, yeah, that didn't happen obviously. I did have 10 good days (yup- just the 10), and it was amazing. I went on a trip across the country. I hiked Zion Canyon, Bryce Canyon, Grand Canyon (all the way to the bottom, stayed down there for two nights, and then all the way back up). We had a celebration dinner that night at the top, and I had one glass of wine. That was the only alcohol I had that whole trip. I felt great when I returned home. 10 days with nothing but fresh air, and exercise. That lasted all of three days I think. then I was back to smoking, and drinking. and that's been every day since. Some days I have 6, some days 12.

It didn't really dawn on me that it was a big problem until Summer vacation started. My memory all of a sudden just sucked. I started getting muscle spasms (bottomed out my magnesium). But the biggest sign was one afternoon, at around 1 pm when I had finished my last 5 beers. Of course I thought about going to get more. But I didn't. It all of a sudden hit me that it was only 1pm, I was a little drunk, and I had been sitting on my porch by myself drinking, and I felt like crap. So I told myself - ok, time to cut down.

Every day I planned to not go out and buy something. I made it a day a few times. but never more. I kept telling myself starting today. Then when that didn't happen, I said, well, I'll start Sunday, the start of the week will make a difference. Then would drink the rest of the week- cause, I had till Sunday. But there have been a lot of Sundays since summer vacation started.

I don't know what I would call this....problem drinking.....the start of a problem....the "A" word. But I need to change. I'm not happy, my health is being affected, and I feel guilty, and just tired. I Have not had a drink today. And that is good- even though I have a massive headache! My plan is to not drink tomorrow. That's as far as I can plan right now, because I seem to not do so well with long term plans. So today (which thank god is almost over). Then tomorrow.

That's it for now. I hope you are all well, and lots of care if you're not.

Red.