I'm all confused..all twisted and turned around.
I want to cut but I don't want to. I want to drink but I don't want to.

It's all their fault..they always have to go and ruin my saftey.
My parents..I love them..but at the same time I can't handle them.
I hate how they scream and fight and throw things.
I hate that most times they drag me and my sister into it.
I was doing good unitl last night..they just had to start.
I actually was weathering the fight pretty well..me and my sister holed up in my room. I was going to be fine until my sister looked at me and asked
"Their not going to drag us into again are they? They usually do."
I burst into tears when she said that..the look on her face..it killed me.
She practically said my thoughts outloud for me..the exact words I've said to myself for so many years.
Why do they have to scream and rage? Why do they suddenly go from two 40 year old adults into three year olds having tantrums?
I hope they never do to her what they did to me..
They make me keep secrets from the other one, the tell me how the other one is horrible and sick and needs help,or how they are just finally going to up and leave. They use me like a chess piece in their own personal chess game.
I hope my mom never smacks my sister in the face for being angry at them for fighting..for dragging me into. I hope she never tells her to shut up and grow a %#@&#! backbone when she is crying and scared because her dad just punced a another hole in the wall and just got in the car and left driving like a bat out of hell. Only to return for round two of the fight.
I hope dad never makes her hide mail from mom so she won't find out that we're broke and so she doesn't know all the finacial trouble we're in. I hope he never asks her to hide the mail because it's easier that way..you don't want her to get angry and start yelling and screaming do you?
I hate how they manipulate me..how they have manipulated me.
I hope my little never sees my mom going beserk and hitting my dad..I hope she never hears how they hope the other one dies in some horrible groteque fashion like they have both told me so many times.

I hate the way I make them sound..I make them out to be such horrible people..I feel so guilty for writing these things..
I'm so guilty..I'm a bad person...I deserve to hurt..