One thing I haven’t mentioned and probably should. Hubby has strong suspicions that he may be on the autism spectrum. Both of us have PTSD from childhood abuse.

The difference between my husband and an abuser is that, although he takes a long time to do it, he does eventually learn and change his behavior. Another difference is that he is not trying to hurt me. He’s just that clueless. That’s why it takes a while for him to catch on. Change in general is difficult for him. Changing his own behavior, even more so. Final difference is that while these incidents certainly are unhealthy, they are not our normal way of doing things. Our marriage is usually peaceful and loving. It’s only when I have a strong emotion that these things happen.

I was in an abusive marriage before. My ex-husband was definitely an abuser. He was actively trying to control me and keep me beneath him. He was setting out to hurt me. Reason, he didn’t think he was anything. Putting me down and keeping me there was the only way he could feel like he stood taller than me. That’s not what’s going on in this marriage.

As for me abusing him, sometimes I get frustrated at having to do things for him that I think he could or should learn to do for himself. He’s diabetic (we both are) and he’s deathly afraid of needles. That, and his veins are deep while his nerves are right there on the surface. Finger sticks are intensely painful for him, while I think nothing of it. I’m ashamed to say that in a foul mood, when I have to do his finger sticks for him, I have called his adulthood, his manliness, and his intelligence into question. Telling him I know people with intellectual disabilities who can check their own glucose. That kind of thing. I need to shut up and help him. Nobody deserves to have things like that said to them. And I have worked on changing my behavior.