Yes I am totally with you, as long as the behavior is predictable it allows the time and space to work on me, this situation and what I want. The chaos is really hard so now that I know that this isn't going to change soon, I am just in a much better position. So, we went in on Monday and she had one idea about his feet and this wooden pole because she says that as kids you learn to hold in emotions by curling up your feet which is so interesting because our whole relationship I have commented on my H's feet and how even if he's sitting on the couch they are curled up so there was definitely something to that. The other thing she did was more like what I had envisioned, him hitting pillows with a racket, getting the anger out. I think she has sort of figured this out, and she is also adapting to what HE needs because in the sessions there is really nothing to talk about in terms of his original stated purpose of "what does separating look like" because he won't do anything.


Again, it is really sad to me about his parents. His relationship with them now is very stilted, we see them and they see our kids but there is no direct communication and that is frowned upon. It is very unhealthy and much like literally everything else, my H won't do anything to change it. In fact he was relaying a story about his father (who is the active culprit in all of this, his mom was more like a bystander who let the issues occur without interceding) and just making excuses for his father. Still. Evan though he blames his father for everything. It is an interesting dynamic how all that works when parents don't let you grow up. My H also has OCD issues regarding his relationship with his parents, i.e. if he does certain things he thinks it means something bad will happen to them. So, there is that too. Sounds very similar to your H, critical but unwilling to change. A therapist my husband once saw who I spoke to compared this behavior to a child having a temper tantrum and when my H gives into his parents it is like giving the tantruming child candy. It just teaches them that the only way to get relief is to do what his parents want.

ALL of that to say, literally zero about anything in these sessions is about me. Sometimes, I feel like an outsider even being there. I really hope my H's business can take off a little and then maybe it will put him in a better mindset. I know, especially for men, so much can be tied to money and success. But at the same time, it is so hard for me to believe this all started with "I can only be happy again if I have sex with other people" and that was so far from what actually is going on it is almost laughable.


I know this growth can by done, my H's sister has in fact taken steps to put healthy boundaries in place and has been able to maintain a decent relationship with her parents during all of that.


I agree with school and routine. I am with you, the summer just seems like a hard time for everyone. For now I am staying put and trying to work on myself, put down boundaries when I am uncomfortable and just go from there. Not sure what else I could do unless I just wanted to leave, you know? On the one hand, I don't want to be stuck here, but on the other hand, I feel like right now I am not ready for change in terms of divorcing and that is the only change I can have at this point. Who knows. My H has been a tad better about being involved with the kids too and when he is in the mood he can be a lot more patient than me with homework issues, which happen a lot with my oldest.


So, I guess I am going to keep trucking along. Do you spend time with your inlaws and do they have a decent relationship with your DH? The relationship between my in-laws and my kids is a whole other topic for a different day but it is never dull, that is for sure.