It's good that you are feeling more in control of your situation. The downside, of course, is his willingness or unwillingness to do what he needs to do, but at least you can let him own that part while you focus on things within your control.

That's interesting about the foot curling. I'd never heard that, but can see how that would be a thing. Is he doing the rolling? What about the other thing? Has he been doing the pillow/ racket exercise? If he has done it, how has it been, and has it seemed to have any effect?

I've heard of "rage therapy" for people who are working through trauma and feel stuck by anger, but they usually have to be able to acknowledge the anger first? Is your H able to acknowledge the anger he feels? That's an issue for mine. He's obviously angry, but denies and covers it out of habit. He grew up in a household where only Mom was allowed to be angry (even to this day), so the rest can't have their real feelings, and have unhealthy ways of dealing with them.

My H's family dynamic might have been a little like your H's. His mother is very controlling and domineering (and openly abusive, but the family won't acknowledge it as such), and his father is very passive and just lets things happen. FIL has a bit of a victim mentality, cowing to MIL even when she's way out of line, and that's all the kids knew. There are virtually no boundaries in his FOO (family of origin). They bicker constantly, and up until recently, I didn't have a full concept of just how toxic they were behind closed doors. Until a few years ago, H seemed to be the one who rose above the dysfunction and pettiness.

Sometimes I think DD going through phases of childhood development triggered H's childhood trauma and set off the midlife events. But that still wouldn't be a valid excuse for things he's said and done.

My H has black-and-white thinking (splitting) that's common in cluster B's, as well as some other conditions. He can't see his parents as complex beings- both good and flawed at the same time, so justifies the abuse and horrible behaviors in order to believe that mom and dad are ultimately good- and therefore he is too. Psychologically speaking, he and his FOO are rather enmeshed.

Our relationship with his parents is difficult. When we do see them, he hides somewhere with his dad and I "babysit" his mother, which for short spans isn't a problem. A few years ago, FIL told a third party that he was boggled by how well I handle MIL and her shenanigans. The reality is that it's just good manners and boundaries, but that's a mystery to them. She will literally have full blown temper tantrums to get what she wants, and the rest of them panic to placate her- except me. The candy analogy you used is good, that's an apt way to put it. It's dawning on me in this very moment why I'm so often in the role of villain….

Ugh, I'm rattling on. Maybe some of that is relatable to you though?

It's great that through your counseling, the real root of the matter came to light, and it moved away from that place where he was convinced he needed to go be with others. There must be relief in that at least? As much as counseling doesn't always serve you, at least maybe you've been supported in that particular boundary?

The other day I was scrolling through YouTube and saw that Dr. Ramani had a video about how narcissists dominate in therapy sessions. I haven't watched it yet, but thought there might be some pertinent info in it regarding experiences like you and I have both had.

For now I am staying put and trying to work on myself, put down boundaries when I am uncomfortable and just go from there. Not sure what else I could do unless I just wanted to leave, you know? On the one hand, I don't want to be stuck here, but on the other hand, I feel like right now I am not ready for change in terms of divorcing and that is the only change I can have at this point. Who knows. My H has been a tad better about being involved with the kids too and when he is in the mood he can be a lot more patient than me with homework issues, which happen a lot with my oldest.

My life is largely cohabitating, self improvement, and wondering what the future looks like. The important thing to remember is that you can change your mind about direction at any time. For right now, where you are makes sense on some level. Life is subject to change. Whether he changes, you change, or both, things will shift at some point. You could change your mind tomorrow about what you are doing, or next year, or maybe never. We'll get where we're going eventually, and it will make sense as long as we're acting in healthy ways and taking care of ourselves, kwim?

I am kind of curious about the relationship between your kids and in-laws since you mentioned it. My MIL acts as though her grandchildren are possessions that should bend to her will and serve her. From the time DD was little, I had to carefully put down boundaries to make sure DD's best interests were protected. It wasn't always easy. Now that she's older, DD is pretty good at maintaining her own boundaries.

Hope that you're doing well and having a nice weekend.