I went to sleep, woke up, and a woman was shining a light through my window (But knocking on someone elses window saying "Come on lets go" idk if it was a cop. I feel like the cops and intelligence agencies are stalking me, and can see me through walls. I can't stop obsessing about the African immigrant and what he said to me - I know my problems aren't worse than his, or his upbringing or w/e but I get pumped full of drugs to be even able to work part time - And beginning of this year, I took the benzos and walked on the train tracks, wanted to decapitate myself. I'm going to let everyone at work know what's on my mind. But I'm going to stay up and meditate - First I'll listen to some music. I'm sick of scrubbing things. 10% of people with schiz succeed in committing suicide, and are often on the streets, doing drugs or in psych wards etc - Cuz family doesn't care abou them. I feel like my work doesn't appreciate me (For not working long enough) - They have different opinions about society. Well society has fallen apart and it'll get worse - They're just a family trying to survive. The nicest one to me is the daughter of the owner of the restaurant. Anyways, I'm taking * and phenibut in the morning before work so I can be more relaxed and have a better mood. I'm too dysfunctional cuz of other people, and no one exists anyways. God has schizophrenia - His creations are just hallucinations. Life is an illusion - And I'll probably get better but maybe all this constant Nonsense that I have to deal with, will last forever. I just want to wake up and know my true self. I think the material world (Including sex) is EVIL. But balance goes for everything- But the scrubbing of walls? I wish to be happy, doing that.. with my thoughts.. maybe I have to start online courses ASAP, and be a neuropsychopharmacologist.. my dream job.. even though the chances of nuclear war have never been higher. **** all of this people saying that I should be a slave when I'm dependent on medications to even be able to live without suicide and still think about it almost every day. I'm trying so hard to be good. I can't do small talk - So what if I was texting at work. Leave me the **** alone. People need to do that, I ge that there's curiosity but I think people are always judging me. I'm sick of these hallucinations - When can I find peace, but also excitement.. instead of this negative ********. I'm happy often naturally, and it gets taken away... I need help but no one can help me, only myself.. where ever I go, it's torture. I don't care if I become so negative anymore. I want to be happy like anyone else. I'm not better or worse than anyone, or saying my struggles are worse - But the * in 2016? That messed me up even way more.. But also saved me...

Maybe I should ask everyone at work for their phone numbers or FB so I can share with them, my thoughts.. cuz I'm terrible at talking.. I forget what I'm saying, and want to talk about philosophical thoughts, overthinking, genius stuff.. rumination.. ideas.. I'm a lost cause lol.