Maybe I should summarize.

Early on, we had an attempt at coitus. We didn't manage, we agreed it was too early. I did talk about my insecurity, stemming in part from my ex-wife who bragged about a lare number of one night stands, bdsm like experiments and subjected me to similar things unasked.

Then there were some casual remarks from her about usally taking more initiative but being unsure what to do with me, about not wanting to shock me as an explanation why she did not take any further initiative. And when the issue of pain that was inflicted during sex, she said this could be fun like crazy. These made me insecure and caused some minor distress that she noticed.

Last Saturday , she wanted to talk about this. And this conversation is a bit of a blur. What I recall is that I expressed my doubts about ever being able to satisfy her. She said at some point that she had times when she loved to do it often but that she also had a relationship with somebody who was very prestation driven and that sex did not occur often but that it was fine because it was an act of love. That is the day I started agonizing about her experience, as opposed to mine (for me, she only said the doing it often part).

Then on Wednesday, she wanted to talk again. That is when she said she liked to experiment, had this experience with pain, had a photoshoot and that it was a phase. Ever since, I am convinced that this episode was so great and overwhelming that all that comes after that can only be a disappointment (me included). That, in my thinking explains why she does not compare relationships, and why she has no expectations except for respect and love.

That is why I started delving in my own past, hoping to find some proof of experience (and I do believe there is). Maybe I should not have written it down so extensively but it was part of my process of trying to convince myself I am not a noob.

We had our moments, in which she stresses an extreme physical response to touch and kissing that she never had before (and the difficulty to let me loose when we go to sleep); about having experienced an orgasm by massaging her breatst before, but never the way it was with me.

But somehow, I cannot believe I will ever be more than good enough. I will so to say never be what she desires, because she had what she desired and it will not come back. In my head she has accepted that she has to settle for less.
I am loving and caring and I know that she experienced little love in her marriage and that even in previous relationships, sex was often without love but I can't believe this is enough.

The last week was difficult. My panic attack, causing me to become distant, and to lose all my empathy, and the obvious distress I was going to did have an impact. I am not sure whether I can discuss the emotions and thoughts I experience with her because she does feel guilty about having caused this.