One of the reasons I came to this support forum is because stuff is not going well with therapy. It's long and complicated, so I'll sum it up.

I've been in therapy on and off, different types, for 30 years. I've gone years in between each therapy experience. I started when I was 11- not my choice. Parents forced me into it due to a trauma. I wasn't ready to talk and so that didn't last long. Had a really awful experience when I went back when I was 17- again not my choice. I won't go into that experience here, because well, that would be a book. I went for about 2 years in college. about 2 years in my early 20's. I was never able to actually talk in any of these. I had gotten so good at not talking, and couldn't figure out how to do it.

In my mid/late 20's I went back. I saw that T for about 5 years, and the last year of it I started to.....not talk, but sort of. It was the first time I felt like I was ready, and I was just working on pushing it out. But then that T stopped taking my insurance. I was devastated! I really felt like I finally trusted someone enough to start talking. It was also very sudden (IMO). She told me three weeks before we would be stopping. So of course I stopped talking, because what's the point with three weeks. I shut down, and decided therapy was not for me. If I couldn't trust that someone would stay- why bother.

But as always, stuff started to come up. I went back to some really bad coping mechanisms. I stopped eating, was purging when I did. SI. So finally I decided to go back. And started seeing H. I have now been seeing her (sort of- more to come on that), for 7 years.

As always, I spent the first couple of years, not talking. I liked her well enough, but it has always been hard to talk, and after my last T leaving me when I was finally feeling ready- I had developed some trust issues. I was fine talking about everyday things, but H knew there was "stuff", and she would ask me about it. And then I would sit not looking at her, or saying anything for the rest of the session. But she didn't give up.

I think I spent a lot of time trying to make her say it wouldn't work out. I didn't talk, wouldn't look at her. Would "run away". Literally ran out of her office several times. Also would cancel for weeks at a time. I would get angry at her. But she called to check in, even if I refused to answer, she'd leave messages. She worked around my crazy schedule. She assured me over and over that she wasn't going anywhere. And finally, I believed that.

In about year 4-5 I finally broke (in a good way). One day she just wouldn't let up. She kept asking and asking and asking- questions about what had happened. So I got up to run off, and she said "No! sit down". I was so shocked. I stopped and turned to say something angrily at her. But anger gets hard for me, and I was just feeling so much- and so I ran across the room, and hid behind a table, and just started sobbing/hyperventilating. She gave me a minute, and then came over and sat on the floor next to me, and Just said "You're okay" over and over. And when it finally ended and I had calmed down enough that I could breathe. She asked "what happened just now". And I talked. I didn't tell her everything, or even any specific thing. Just about how feelings were hard. I think I was in her office for like 2 and a half hours that day.
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After that day, I truly felt safe with her. I felt like she cared, and started to believe that she wouldn't leave. I slowly started to talk. We found things that worked for me to make it easier. She's the only therapist I've ever known who didn't have a pillow in her office, and that was something I had always held onto as a protective barrier. So she let me bring in a pillow, and later a blanket, which she kept in her closet. We discovered that traditional seating was not necessarily the best place for me to feel safe- so I sat in the corner of her office, on the floor. Sometimes she sat with me, sometimes not. And all of these things helped me to start talking. I started to talk about my past stuff. It was hard, but for the first time ever, I was talking about it.

Then the pandemic hit. Her office closed and she went to online therapy. She was again as flexible as she could be. She did my sessions at night so that I could have some privacy. But I just couldn't get back to my stuff. I have kids, who frequently come to me while I'm on my video call, asking questions, just saying hi. I have to sit outside on my porch to get any little bit of privacy. and it just doesn't feel comfortable, or safe. So I shut down again. I talk about the day to day. And then the poor coping mechanisms came back. Not all of them, but more than I want.

Four weeks ago, she told me she would not be returning to in person therapy. I kind of suspected it as so many others have gone back, and she still hadn't. But it still just made my heart sink when she said it. She was kind about how she said it. She made the decision because she has some health things that put her at higher risk with Covid. She told me to do what I needed to do. She said she would continue with me for as long as I wanted. Or she would understand if I chose to find someone new. She talked about finding ways for me to make this work if I stayed with her.

I am reeling from this. I feel like I've lost my safety, my ability to talk. I know some of this is me stuff that I should work on. But I just can't. I also feel like I can't go and find someone new.

I'm not really looking for advice in sharing this. Just putting it out there how I'm feeling, and well, I haven't said any of this out loud- so putting it out there that I am hurting over this, and just so unsure of what to do.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Red