@jaklevco I am sorry things seem so bleak right now. That must be tough to go through.
I often ask myself by whose expectations am I judging myself. My parents expected me to be a certain way and I did not turn out like that. It sounds like you are experiencing some of what I experienced at your age. They say the adult brain takes till 25 to fully form and I think in my case it was 35.
I am glad for online support. It seems to be easier to make acquainances here than in real life. Hope you find a little ray of joy in your life. @CANDC
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