He is definitely doing the rolling, not sure if it helps or not but I guess time will tell.

That’s so interesting about the parallel with the anger. My H also has trouble admitting his anger. He also actually I think has trouble feeling it. My H also grew up in a house where he was not allowed to feel his feelings, everything always had to be “okay” and to this day that is still the case. He’ll even cringe when I cry at a book or movie like it is so weird to express emotions that way.

We had couples therapy today and he mentioned his sister suggested he go to family therapy with his mom and dad (doubt he would actually go) and that his sister would join to support him. This actually I feel would be beneficial. I doubt it will happen but if it did maybe he would finally work through this stuff.

So with this couples therapist he was back to examining how this sexual connection with another person would save him and he wants to leave me, his kids, and his parents behind. That this new girl would be in her 20s (he’s 40 and I’m in my late 30s) and could abuse him or have borderline personality disorder but he wouldn’t care. First of all, this as always makes no sense. But I think the therapist is subtly drawing a parallel between him being “impotent” which is the word she used, with his father and finding that “potency” that way. The therapist is pretty blunt and at one point she said something to him like maybe he just “needs to get laid” and she sort of lost me with that, although she has been provocative with him to elicit a response. Needless to say, I did not like this. Then, in the next moment it was like hey let’s talk about what you (me) want from this relationship. My H has punished me for responses before when I’m like how am I supposed to answer this while I’m in this traumatic situation, so I made some garbage up but like I find it really really unfair to have to analyze my relationship and wants and needs in the context of him reiterating he has no interest in working on our relationship and her asking him what he wants for this sexual connection and the get laid comment.

At the time, I felt like a non-reaction to this served me better but I’m not sure. I feel like it’s pretty disrespectful to me but then again my H likes to be contrary and I’ve cried to him so much about stuff like this so maybe acting nonchalant is better. It just felt and feels like this therapist is for him, you know?

So in terms of the relationship between my in laws and kids, my FIL has co-opted my oldest as his own, he hates my middle child who is super emotional and probably emotionally smart enough at 7 to see through his garbage and my five year old is still pretty young but since she’s a girl he can’t be bothered. And of course my MIL just stands by all passive. My in-laws are so emotionally limited.

Anyway, that is my update. Think I’m still processing everything that happened earlier today so thanks for being my sounding board, you really do offer me such insight and I’m so grateful!