Thanks so much for your response, it along with talking this out with my best friend also really validated my reaction which I appreciate. In fact, I was telling my friend that I don't even really remember a lot of what happened because I blocked it out and she was telling me that it is a trauma response. When the therapist was talking to him about "let's explore this fantasy" I just went in my head to another place I remember telling myself just to start counting to ten or thinking of something else mostly so I halfway heard some of what he said and as for the rest I have blocked it out. I do think the therapist really brought it up, not him, but it is his choice in how to respond. It is interesting your thought about losing control of the narrative and I do agree. If I focus on the weeks before that, as I had shared with you, the therapy had become about working on my H, his past trauma, how that was shaping how he is now, his inner rage, inability to decide and the like. It is a whole lot easier to think he's going to go have sex with some random 20 year old that will make him feel like a man again and leave his whole life behind rather than working on himself and fixing what is there. So that does put things in perspective. And I get why that is easier especially when he feels like he is a failure. We are surrounded by a lot of wealth in our day-to-day lives that we don't have. One of our kids had a play date at our house this past weekend and he told me he was embarrassed to have the child over and his mother pick him up. And for the record it is not like we are going hungry, it is just we certainly do not have the sort of generational wealth a lot of our kids' friends have.


On the other hand, no this does not feel like couples counseling. My feelings are really irrelevant to her and my husband and are not really discussed other than an off-hand comment here or there. I find it insulting that I would be asked about what I want from my H in a relationship after having to sit through that and to be honest I am impressed I came up with anything. But, how can it be couples counseling when he states he has no interest in working on our marriage, but will do nothing to separate, so we are stuck in this awful holding pattern. In fact, over the weekend after he did take our younger two kids to a friends house and hang out with the dads that were there he went out with his recently divorced friend (or so he claimed because honestly how do I believe anything he says) and he stayed out until 3am with no word of anything to me which I also find completely disrespectful. But then, back in the day this would have elicited a big reaction from me calling him and wondering where he was so I consciously decided to have no reaction. It definitely feels like he is testing me but to what end? I need to speak to my therapist about this and unfortunately I don't see her again until next week.


When you are talking about feeling bad for the kid your H was but not paying the penance for it, you could be taking the words out of my own mouth. I do feel for what he had to go for but why should I be punished? This whole situation is just super difficult. Right now I am listening to my H (our home offices are across from each other) be so patient and understanding with one of his admittedly crazy business partners and it boggles the mind how I always get the worst of him. We are supposed to go back to this therapist on Thursday and now I am not sure if I will go and just be checked out or refuse to go or what. As always thanks so much for listening and I hope you are having a decent Monday!