You're in a tough spot. He's making it so hard for you . Don't let it be any harder than necessary.

Yeah, that does sound like you had a trauma response. I wonder if the therapist had any clue about how it was affecting you? Again SMH. Good for you for being able to come up with a response of some kind when prodded. I wish I could give you a hug in real life.

He's broken and you can't fix him. Only he can fix him, and who knows if he even has the ability or want at this point.

My personal experience over time has been that the more I tried to fix things, or tried to help him, the more resistant and the worse he became. Once I backed away and started focusing heavily on myself, he doesn't act out quite so much. It's like once my focus was off him, he got scared, you know? And maybe he should be scared about that divide. Maybe he's afraid that he's lost his power and will end up left behind at some point, or maybe he's just trying to get me back on some proverbial hook. Since I don't take bait anymore, and focus on adult behaviors and interactions, it doesn't matter. We can either interact liked adults, or I can detach mentally and emotionally and do my own thing.

This may have been said earlier in the thread, but I was told to not go to marriage counseling unless your SO has empathy and respect for you, and a willingness to work on the marriage. Who could blame you for choosing to not go back? It's not serving you. Perhaps there are other places where your time and energy could be better spent? If he shows no interest in working on the marriage at this point, why bother? In some ways, you ending up at these counseling sessions and getting the short end of the stick, could potentially be another place where he's exerting his control dynamic- just a thought though.

Something that I recalled the other day, was that at the end of the session I attended with dh, the counselor said to me, "Come back again. Or don't. I don't care." Which in retrospect seemed kind of snarky. I wonder what she thought about my not returning. If I'd gone back, she probably would have pegged me as a nagging, controlling codependent. By not going back, perhaps she just thinks I don't care about him or the marriage. Who knows, but it's an annoying place to feel cornered.

I feel for you about him talking to other people in much nicer ways. That's surprisingly common . We probably all do that to some extent- public versus private faces- but there's also this level of two-facedness that's really galling. This may be one of the places where my H differs slightly. He can only keep it together for a limited time- a bit like a dementia patient who's "show timing" for a doctor. Mine openly admits that he doesn't have the energy or focus to maintain acting "normal" for very long, so DD and I get dropped. And while I take things he says like that with a grain of salt (maybe it's just manipulation) it is one place his actions and words do seem to align. Part of the big "who knows?" In his case maybe it's depression, or maybe a bigger neurological problem, or ???? No matter the cause, it's still hurtful and painful. Just remember that it's not you, and it's not a referendum on who you are, it's an indicator of who he is and what's going on inside him.

And that staying out…. that's pretty unacceptable, and you're right, it's probably him testing. His broken child-self being defiant. My H does similar things, though not at night. He's notorious for having only a half day of work, saying he'll be home for lunch with me, but then going over and spending the afternoon at one of our friend's houses, without a word. Seriously, is he 12 years old? It caused problems initially, but now I just get on with my life, eat lunch with or without him, whatever…. He does it less the more he doesn't get a reaction. But with these "little hiccups" he's damaged the relationship in ways I don't think he can even comprehend.

There are times I swear he does that sort of thing because he's actively picking a fight to give his brain a dopamine hit or something. Either that or he's trying to recreate the dynamic with his mom where he only got attention when he did something wrong. Give him what he wants and it's just positive reinforcement, even though it's hard to believe that's what someone would want.

Anyhow, no great answers, but support for you as best as I can from way over here. No matter what, just do what's right for you on any given day, and let the chips fall where they may. I know that's easier said than done, but don't lose sight of your value as an individual, seperate from the relationship. Heck, focus on that…