I agree with everything you are saying. I am fresh off another weekly session which was not as traumatic as last time, thank goodness, but I have had to re-frame what is happening to get myself through it. I am now telling myself that these are counseling sessions for my H that I am attending with him. Most of them time, I would say other than the first session and an off hand question here or there, the therapist is not even asking me anything about what I want or need, only getting some observations from me about my H's life or to expound upon a comment I make about what my H says about him. If I do look at it that way, then it makes a whole lot more sense. My H revealed something during the session today that he had previously told me that is a horrific childhood experience involving his father and he has a memory of it but is not sure if it is true or not. The therapist got wrapped up in that, and rightly so, but she does think it is true and it does make sense. Basically her bottom line was that my H doesn't know how to experience or feel love because of all of his childhood trauma, except that he thinks he can get it in some deviant/sexual way. Luckily we didn't harp too much on that point today.

I don't know what that means for me honestly. On the way home my H asked me what I am getting out of this marriage right now and I was just sort of like I don't think that's a fair question because you have shut down our marriage. How could I be getting anything out of it? I asked him why he asked me that and basically he wanted company on that he's not really getting anything out of it but the point is he has made it that way and that is his choice. And, he can also chose to unstick himself from this situation in about a million different ways but instead he chooses to do nothing. The whole thing is just really sad and depressing but I do feel like I am at the point where I am very certain and more than ever that none of this is my fault. And my H can chose to leave or work on our marriage, but he wants to not make a choice instead. I do feel that unless he addresses these underlying issues nothing will change, so here we are.


So you are exactly right, I am going to continue focusing on myself, enjoying my kids, my friends and my hobbies. I am also going to focus on being non-reactive to anything my husband throws my way, since today was pretty traumatic for him, I am assuming he may act out soon. I am anxious to get to talk to my therapist next week as well.

I hope that you are having a wonderful week with calm family dynamics. As awful as it is that we are going through somewhat similar experiences, I am so grateful that you are hear to listen and give advice.