I’d really like to know what it’s like to live without constant thoughts of people I know dying. It’s not even fear. It’s completely unlikely scenarios but they just come in my head and I can’t get it out. Like today, I was pushing a student on a swing and she leaned back and I pictured her sliding off and injuring her neck and dying. I’m constantly thinking RS is dead, and CR too. I thought since RS had been outside for awhile maybe he had a heart attack. I picture CR falling down the stairs. I saw CR sleeping on the couch and I had to study him for a few seconds to make sure he was still breathing. It’s exhausting.

And when I say it’s not even fear, it’s like when I picture RS gone, it’s more like a “that would just figure wouldn’t it”. Like it would be just my luck. And I can’t even imagine feeling bad about it (though I would be devastated) because I just keep thinking like the universe has tried to beat me down for years, I’ve already been through losing a husband. I feel like I’m due for another disaster.

I guess it’s trauma from suddenly losing my father when I was ten and then suddenly losing my first husband eight years ago. I don’t think anything can be permanent. I’m still semi-convinced that I’m going to lose CR in his early 20s. Don’t ask me why so specific.

I just think I have no right to be happy and the universe will continue to see to it that I never am for an extended period of time.

It would be nice to live without all this negativity but I’m not quite sure how to change it. It’s very deeply ingrained.

I’m doing well aside from the constant thoughts of death. At least it’s not my own this time.

Hugs being sent to all that need them, I know a few of us are struggling I just don’t have the mental energy to individually reply. I apologize.