i guess that for me in the past the therapists had a really clear view of:

- what therapy was supposed to be about
- the things that i would be reinforced for 'gee - that is insightful, or that is important, or that sounds really significant, or gosh you are working hard' vs the things that i wouldn't be reinforced for 'aren't you avoiding something else in talking about this or why don't we talk about that instead' or whatever...

now... i think my therapist does have a clear view... he is very much into the work of allan schore and he mentioned that he liked briere's stuff as well so i have read some of that... and i see what his take is.

i like his take much better than the take of previous therapists, don't get me wrong...

but i'm still determined that i need to find MY path and what is right and most helpful for ME and while i have a lot of sympathy for a lot... there are some things that i'm really unsure about (e.g., remembering trauma, focusing in traumatic experiences, blaming and railing at my alleged persecutors, the necessessity of splitting worse on the way to getting myself put together... etc etc etc...

i don't like the view that sex is what is at base. don't like it at all. i like kohut's stuff because it really resonates with me... aloneness... fragmentation... breaking up... losing oneself in the void of the world... loss of boundaries... for me that comes the closest to putting words to my terror. sex is weird... a weird kind of boundary thing... a weird kind of loving thing... a weird kind of hurting thing... weird... but i think the needs are deeper...

i talked to my therapist about my sexual relationship with my ex boyfriend (or more in particular problems in my sexual relationship with my ex boyfriend). that was okay... i could talk to him about that (perhaps surprisingly). but... i can't talk to him about some of the fantasys that i have about him... even if they signify something deeper - which i'm sure they do. i just... can't. brave mouse.