5 weeks without you. I’m barely surviving, the pain is just too much.
Last night I dreamt you came to my house for some reason with a friend. I opened the door slowly and your friend came and and playfully tried to dig me in the ribs. I screamed in his face ‘don’t touch me’ and shut down. I heard him say to you ‘oh she doesn’t like being touched does she’ and you replied ‘no she doesn’t not by strangers, what did you do?

You came in and saw that I was shut down and panicking and you came and sat next to me and talked so gently to me. When that didn’t help, you paused for a few seconds and then put an arm around my shoulder and gently pulled me in to you and put your other arm around me as well. I began to sob and you held me.. After a couple of minutes I began to calm down and relaxed in to you and then broke away. Afterwards you said to me ‘I know you are wondering why now when I’ve always refused. The only answer I can give is that I knew it was what was needed in that moment.’ And you began crying.

I know it was only a dream but it felt so real and so pure. There was no feelings of transference going on in that moment, just a deep connection between a therapist and his client, between two human beings. It was so beautiful and tender.

When I woke up, even though I was aware it hadn’t been real, I didn’t want to move out of my cocoon as I desperately didn’t want to lose feelings that I was experiencing. I don’t really know what they were, I’ve never experienced them before. It was just a sense of warmth. I think it might have been a feeling of safety and a level of deep gentle connection with another human being that was brand new to me. How can a dream elicit feelings like that? Feelings that I longed for in our sessions?
I lay there for as long as I could before it disappeared. I can’t remember what it felt like now.

I wish it could have been different. I wish you had cared like this in real life. I wish you hadn’t abandoned me.