Thank you all for your support. (((((((((everyone))))))))

These next few days will be tough. I haven't done any hard drugs for eight months now, but I'm still quite a heavy drinker. It will be a tough battle for me to resist those urges.

The pain is exacerbated by how much of a love-hate relationship my mother and I had. And so many loose ends still remained when she passed... And I'm not trying to argue with anyone else's spiritual beliefs, but I have no faith in an afterlife. It's so painful to know that I will never, EVER, see my mother again; that all my unanswered questions will forever be unanswered; that all the requests for forgiveness and attempts to forgive will remain unsaid and unheeded for eternity...

I haven't even managed over the past three years to visit her grave, save for the day of her funeral. I feel like such a horrible person for that... I don't even know if I'd be able to find her grave on my own... I truly hate myself for that... and that's why I have all these irresistible self-destructive impulses. In the end, I failed her as a son...

I can't even tell her I'm sorry, that I love her and miss her dearly; nor can I ask her if she meant all the mean things she's said to me over the years.... I don't deserve to be alive........

In a dark place right now,

J