Yeah, so, yesterday I was analysing things with my boyfriend because I was mad and he seemed to be willing to talk. I had been depressed for two or three days, (I could make a career out of rapid cycling) and suddenly started feeling pretty good about myself. That I actually am funny. Started cracking tasteless jokes.

Isn't it weird that your self-esteem rises when things start getting out of hand?

And how unfair it is that when usually your self-esteem in unexistant, you're only worthy in your eyes when you're hypomanic or manic.

I don't get it.

I guess when I progress in therapy (I don't qualify for psychotherapy yet, my condition is "too poor" according to my T, a psych nurse) I will not miss mania that much and I can see that it brings more bad than good.

Today I am more rational, but energetic. I wonder if I'm near the brink of mania. I'm going to run away for a few days, I miss the man I love. I have a gut feeling I'm going to be in trouble but I don't really care.

I shall try my best to keep myself safe. That's a promise.

Katie