Hi everyone.

Thanks for letting me talk through and sort through things on here for years. I've clung onto some of your words.

My wife and I are 9 months separated now. It is 6 months since she has had any contact with the kids. She doesn't even know what school they are in, or whether our oldest is working or in college.

Meanwhile, me and the kids laugh every day. We have at least one meal together everyday.

I spent weeks working in the evenings with my oldest, setting up the basement with a kitchenette so that he has his own min-apartment, as a young man should. I put his name on some of the utilities so he can learn some responsibility with bills. We spent weeks making mechanical and welding repairs on an old 4x4 that he bought, and he had great adventures with it this summer. Lots and lots of "good trouble", as I call it. Getting lost, getting stuck, getting out, and having pictures and stories to tell after. We are adventurers by nature, not "mudders".

I've gotten my daughter dirtbike lessons, we've borrowed an ATV and gone exploring on trails, she is working out with me, and watching bad rom coms and teen movies from the 90s. She has bad period pain, so I've been taking her to appointments since March. Last night I was bringing her hot water bottles while we sat on the couch and did math homework together. She's had friends over for the first time in a long time, including for sleepovers, and she has gone for umpteen sleepovers and swimming with friends all summer.

We have friends that we all go visit together for meals, and evenings on the deck or sitting around a fire with them, honestly, laughing until we cry, and laughing until my abs hurt the next day. We have an invite for supper and a firepit tonight again.

We've had guests come stay at our house for up to a week.

My daughter's therapist has said she has cptsd, and is on the verge of it becoming hardwired into her health, and she's encouraged our daughter to go no contact for 1-2 years to let these symptoms subside.

I was at a friend's place helping him measure and order materials for the roof of his garage. My oldest called and met me there on his way home from work. He's an Army reservist now, and a union construction worker. He showed up with McDonald's for all of us, and my buddy's wife stood on the step in front of my son (he's a big, big guy). She brushed his shoulders off, and complimented him on how good he looked in his uniform, talked about how proud they were of him, talked about watching him grow up from a little boy in their yard to the big young man he is now, and how happy they were that their son was his best friend. She hugged him and rocked him like a momma bear. In that moment I felt so much anger, because he should have had that at home.

And you know what? I still find it hard to trust the evidence. I still question if it was her, or me, or us that was toxic. I still doubt myself so much. I still long for my wife. We had a huge rainstorm the other night, and all I wanted was a little spoon I could put my arm around and to smell her hair.


Thanks for letting me talk.

RDMercer