They totally are. And, I just got back from another one of these therapy sessions for my husband that I also attend (which is what I am calling it now since that is what it is) and we explicitly discussed this. Basically, he said to her what I told him which is that these are counseling sessions to help him and address his issues that I am sitting in on. And, I expressed that I feel like I am benefiting from them in the sense that it helps me understand him better because while I knew he was in therapy this whole time other than a few tiny things here and there I have never been involved in his therapy. He expressed that I wouldn't tell him things in this context like "what my ideal sex life looks like" or "what I want from him." She told him that's because it is not a safe space for me to do so. She also said, like what you and I have said previously, is that we cannot do marriage counseling until he addresses his own issues. That when a party is ambivalent like he is right now, marriage counseling doesn't work. She said he can do individual therapy to deal with his rage and have me witness it or what she really wants him to do is have his sister (the one person from his own family of origin who is in therapy too and even half way understands all the trauma and abuse they went through) come to town and do family therapy together, potentially also with his parents.

So, that was really helpful for me to hear because she doesn't think she is my therapist and she is telling him something that may help him if he ever does it. All that is well and good. In the meantime, I had a good and overdue session with my own therapist who I really like as she always has some sort of action plan for me which I appreciate because it helps me concentrate on things I actually can control and to top it off we met with our middle child's therapist this morning too so I felt that was helpful too. I've never been a party to so much therapy before in my entire life though.I am definitely feeling VERY self actualized and her action items are really helping me both individually and to deal with the situation at hand. I did appreciate that story about the driving in the rain because it just highlights the importance of staying in the now. If I think about the future too much it becomes very hard. It is a challenging exercise but ultimately so much better just to focus on the now and what you can control.

I was remarking to my therapist that what is crazy to me is how this started off as "I am depressed because our marriage is bad because we don't have the sexual connection I need" to someone who has childhood trauma and has not really grown up and away from it and is having a crisis re: that, which has nothing at all to do with me even a little. I do get sad sometimes, I don't know if you ever have this feeling, that I don't have a partner in things and my emotional support system via my husband that used to be there isn't. I do really miss that and the feeling of being a team. But, either it will come back in time or it won't and I will have to decide what to do about that.

How are things with you? Your DD sounds very wise, it is so interesting how insightful kids are even when they are young. I hope everything is going well and that you too are enjoying the end of the week and hopefully focusing on yourself. It is so interesting how challenging that can be sometimes!