My therapist asked me today if I had any sense of who I was and I said "no" and she said "I didn't think so."

So how do you fix that?

When I was inpatient the dr was "impressed by how well I know myself" but in reality I was ********ting/making up stuff/grasping at straws just to please them. Truth is every hobby I've started, every trait I've actively tried developing or further developed was because I wanted to attract someone else. I took up running because I was obsessed with a person on the XC/track team and I still run because my sex partners say it does a lot of good for my body/their pleasure. I wasn't interested at all in writing until my English teacher told me I was good at it. I wouldn't have considered myself creative until I met someone who was very creative and I wanted to impress them so I tried to develop the trait of creativity. I don't really like it, but I still write because it's a source of income and it makes my therapist happy. I do like hiking and being out in nature. That's about all I got. And maybe that's just because my on again/ off again partner is into it too and I'm trying to rack up points with him.

My therapist says this is because of growing up in "survival mode" rather than "developmental mode." We're going to work on self esteem. Will that help?