You initial post on this thread sure resonated with me. I almost could have written it. As early as 3rd grade, age 8, I was walking around at recess time at school by myself . . . wondering how I could connect with some other kids. I didn't feel disliked. Other kids weren't mean to me. I just didn't know what to say. I was fine at home with my siblings. But making small talk with others outside my home just was something I didn't know how to do. I saw this described very well in the DSM as a social phobia of childhood, where the child is governed by "fear of rejection" and can only relax, socially, in the company of others where there is total faith in being accepted, like with immediate family. That described me to a T. Like you, I always waited for others to initiate saying hello. I always worried that I might be intruding or bothering others, if I initiated an approach.

You come across as very socially appropriate and empathetic. Your posts are thoughful and not, in any way, tedious to read, as happens when a person is overly self-absorbed. You strike me as having plenty of social potential.

To be human is to need friendship. I don't believe that anyone can live with little social connectedness and not feel emotionally distressed. It's a basic human need. Even monks are maintained emotionally by their close integration within a community of mutual caring. So I would not advise you to give up on trying to build meaningful relationships. I was in a close relationship with my partner for 36 years. Now he is gone . . . passed away 3 years ago. I've dealt with the grief successfully. Now I mostly smile inside, when I think of him, which is a few dozen times a day. I'm so glad we had each other. However, I am now in considerable distress due to spending way too much time alone. It's not good to have all your eggs in one basket. Even if your dear husband is destined to outlive you, you need other relationships. You need them now, and you certainly need to not be left isolated, if you were to lose him. I speak from experience.

You have, perhaps, been frittering away your energy and attention on persons who are not really worthy of the investment you've made in them. You sense that yourself, and you're starting to pull back. Like you said, if I understood, you hang back and wait for others to select you. That's what I've done all my life. That's not a strategy for ending up with high-quality friends. I'm talking to myself, as much as to you. We need to start being the selectors. Just a thought.