Thank you for your reply CANDC

Yes, the more i fight those thoughts the more power I give them. The more i stay at home the worse I become. Its such an effort getting through the day. I dread waking up in the morning especially if i have appointments to attend. I feel overwhelmed.

I dont drive which means i need to ask for help. I dont like depending on other people. If I can do something myself I would do it in a heartbeat.

I have physical disabilities such back pain and walking so part of my fear is centered around chronic pain. This scares me. Had a spinal fushion 6 years ago and pain in my back is coming back. The thought terrofies me beause before my surgery I was living in total hell. Sciatic pain is one of the worst ways to live. I have told doctors and physios about the pain but i feel they dismiss me beacuse I have mental issues.

If only I could walk without pain I would feel so much more independant and not feel as though Im living in a prison cell. My independance means everything to me. Just knowing that i can come and go as i please would make life 100% more bearable. Would distract the thoughts even for a short amount of time and make me feel as though i have acheived something on my own.

I have living here for around 18 months and there are no shops or facilies within walking distance so i have to catch buses. Where i was living previously was a 5 min walk to shops and facilites. Life was more bearable and i had independance.

I was forced to move beause the owner sold unit to owner occupiers. Had no choice but to move and find someplace to live. So i bought into a retirement village. Had the situaton not been so rushed and been able to take my time time to look around properly I would not have moved here. But due to the real threat of being homeless I had no choice but to move.

Before living here i had a few friends and my i could manage my thoughts and feelings better than living here. I hated this place for a good 12 months because i was so isolated but then I realised that I cant change the situation so i will have to find a way of making my life more livable. I started catching buses and was doing well but now the back pain has returned and i feel helpless again.

My thoughts are all over the place, the intrusive thoughts and the very real prospect of pain returning terrofies me.

I guess the fear of not being able to walk and relying on people makes me feel panicked. So i guess the intrusive thoughts go hand in hand with the very real threat of not being able to walk.

So im torn by wanting to go out and being afraid to go out because of the pain. I feel so so very angry because I had the courage to go out and step outside my comfort zone and now im back to square one.