And... I am still healing.

I've realized. I've mourned, but I am still mourning the loss of ME through my marriage. I am rebuilding my life and myself. I am building myself back up after having been abused for nearly five years. I lost myself in my marriage, and I sacrificed MY NEEDS and everything i like to do and everything about who I am.

I am rediscovering that person now and I am having a lot of fun doing it. It's exciting...

I am getting out in the world, meeting new people, forging new friendships, being independent and free. It's liberating and empowering .and I feel myself coming back to life. It's like all the happy cells in my body are lit up again, one by one by one. I feel full emotionally and spiritually. I feel far more fulfilled in my life now, and without a committed relationship and partner.

I am dating again and am meeting single men again. It's fun meeting new men and trying them on for size. I am enjoying myself and my life, but I still cry here and there over the loss of myself for that many years.

It pains me that I abandoned myself, and I've promised to myself that I will never do that again. I will never sacrifice who I am for anyone...

and next time, I am NOT moving in right away with a man. I am going to take my time to get to know someone before fully committing myself.

I kick myself at times. Had I not moved in so fast with my ex husband who abused me, I never would have married him. Moving in was a fast track towards marriage for us. We became engaged quickly and married quickly.

I knew on our wedding day that I was in trouble. I knew it was likely a huge mistake I had made. My husband fought with me the morning of our wedding and then coerced me into doing cocaine that night, against my desires. I don't like cocaine, I don't like being around it or around people doing it. It ruins lives. I've seen it bring out nastiness in people. It's an evil drug and I want nothing to do with it. But he coerced me and I gave in, against my better judgement and wishes. And I've always resented that.

So, I cry for the woman inside who gave up herself for a relationship and man. Never again. I am done. I am going to be far pickier this time and will take my time this go around.

My new guy is still very new....

I like him so far, but there's so much more to learn about each other. It takes time to truly get to know someone's real character. And now I really know this and see it.....

I want to be very deliberate and cautious. I am not going to commit myself too soon. Yeah, we've had sex, and I wanted to do that so I did. That's OK. It does not equate to commitment or a relationship, in my mind.