that is very telling. As bad as it is to have that kind of trauma, at least with as far as you all have come, you'll never accept going back to a place like that again.

Validating the kids experiences is important to break any generational trauma patterns. IME, sometimes they need guidance to understand what was okay and what wasn't, and why. And that it has nothing to do with who they are. It sounds like you're doing that kind of reality check with them, which is far different than insulting or demeaning her. Guessing her absence speaks volumes to them.

It's sad how much of what you did came from a place of giving and understanding, and now it seems like she was just taking full advantage those good hearted traits.