This is so true. And the thing that bugs me so much is that it feels like a choice even though it is not. I don't know since I haven't been in that position, but at least a choice not to engage with your life and instead to just stay so disconnected. I know none of the therapists ever try to push him so maybe there is a reason for that but I can't help but be frustrated. I know that frustration is valid because it is just awful to be in a marriage with someone who doesn't care about you or maybe less bad, doesn't appear to care about you.


That relationship expert sounds right and I am not going to pretend I have not thought about it. I have to imagine at some point for any person the bad outweighs the good and when that happens you get more serious about leaving.

I did feel validated by her when she said that. Especially because H brought it up in the context that he feels I was "attacking" him when I said that which is about par for the course since my discussing the role of the therapist with him was of course about me and my feelings and not about him. She was pretty straightforward when she said to him that he shouldn't expect me to be talking about what I want in a relationship or sex life with him if he is "ambivalent" so I did appreciate that a lot.


We didn't make another appointment with her, part of it is that she is out of town next week and I'm unavailable the week after, but part of it is unless he is going to work on himself there's no reason for us to be there as a couple right now. I think family therapy with his sister and maybe his mom or dad is one way for him to start seriously working on himself. I am not sure if he will actually do it. I think he would have his sister come there and she suggested the family therapy to help him so the question is will he do it? I like his sister but he did mention when we were discussing the family therapy with the therapist that she had offered to come do that and also to help him move out and get set up. Prior, the therapist and I had agreed if he does move out he needs to do it himself. So I do get nervous that his sister will come here and enable him and just take care of everything, i.e. him leaving and I would be very upset if that is way things happened. But, I am telling myself it is so unproductive for me to predict the future so I won't think about that just yet. The therapist also suggested something my therapist just suggested which is the EMDR therapy to help him deal with trauma. He was as open to that as he is to anything else which is to say not very.


I keep going back to one thing my H said two sessions ago, he was talking to the therapist about being around our daughter who is our youngest, just turned 5, and she is very bubbly by nature and always sort of overflowing with joy. He was describing being around her and saying he sees the joy and love but doesn't experience it. He was saying it is like being in a world where music is playing and he's the only one who can't hear it. I think that is probably a good analogy for what he is going through and very sad. But, it is like you said about wanting/not wanting to see what your H does in therapy, on the one hand I can feel bad for him, but on the other hand, his actions have a direct effect on me, the life we've built and my children and so I think it is okay to feel bad for him, be frustrated at him, and try to just do what I can. So I guess that is what we are doing.


Another question I have for you, is if you and your H do things as a couple in front of others does it ever fee weird to you since things are not as they seem? We have a weird double date at the end of the week that he scheduled with a couple we are not very close to so I am sort of not looking forward to doing all that. I am okay with the "pretending" thing like pretending he hasn't said he wants to leave in every day life but when it crosses the line into "acting" I get uncomfortable. My birthday is coming up and it is the same day as a big football game here he has been invited to and he asked me more or less should he go since it is my birthday. I find that to be a weird concept, he tells me he has no interest in our marriage, he is not an active participant in our marriage, but he worries I'll be offended if he goes to a football game on my birthday? Just very confusing and makes no sense.Sounds like you have had something similar going on in what you were describing your H being depressed but acting over the top happy at times.


Sorry for the rambling today, I think it is as all over the place as I feel!!