Yikes, those are some pretty scary threats that she's thrown at you . Even if you know those things aren't rational or likely to happen, it's still cruel of her to put them in your head. Especially considering the possibility that she put a lot of thoughts like that in your head over the years.

It'll all be okay somehow, and we'll be here for you.

JMHO, but I think the slow pace things are proceeding is potentially beneficial to you. Speaking from personal experience (which may not apply to you obviously), as a good enabler and codependent, I have a history of placating, playing nice, and reactively saying "how high" whenever someone says "jump." If you also have some of those tendencies, it's good for you to engage in a slower process for your own benefit, and has the biproduct of potentially being frustrating for those other people who are used to calling the shots and pushing you around. It's potentially empowering, and can help prevent mistakes of things not well thought through- which can be one of the reasons disordered people rush and push us.

With my DD, a lot of time the validating looks like discussions about healthy behavior and boundaries. She's able to view H as someone who's disordered, and with a lot of issues which are his and his alone. But like you know, you can't get blood from a turnip, so the focus is on healthier relationship behaviors for the future, which sometimes means that past issues come up in contrast. And sometimes, when those past events are discussed, they're in the context of how I could have and should have handled them with better and stronger boundaries. I can't change what's happened, but hopefully she can have a little better platform for her future relationships.

Good for you for recognizing that the intensity of the new woman might not be a good thing. I don't think I've brought it up on your threads, but there's a YouTuber who goes by "The Crappy Childhood Fairy" who helps people deal with trauma and CPTSD. One of the most common topics is that those of us with trauma backgrounds have a tendency to enter turbulent relationships readily because healthy ones feel boring by comparison. We're just so used to the drama and excitement. Once again, slow and steady wins the race.

Have a great time with your daughter. That sounds like fun.