Sometimes I think H's counselor doesn't push or challenge him because she figures it's pointless. He's not very open to acknowledging his shortcomings as a means to growth, so if that's the case, who could blame her?

I've heard, on more than one occasion, that some counselors don't make a lot of effort once they determine that a patient doesn't have a mindset for growth. You can lead a horse to water and all that…. My H didn't choose to go to counseling FWIW; he got to a point where it was no longer optional. It's possible that he's using the counseling sessions as an echo chamber or to insulate himself against problematic behavior ("Hey, I'm in counseling. What's your excuse?")

Yeah, the approach of not trying to predict the future is good, as hard as it feels at times. It's one of those things that may be largely out of your control? But your concern for what the sister may do if she were to visit, is understandable.

It's too bad that he's not interested in helping himself more and exploring things like the EMDR. Do you think that the disinterest is a symptom of depression, or do you think he gets something out of not showing interest, or pursuing change? As a general rule, people tend to do what gets them the result they want.

Your daughter sounds so cute and sweet . It is sad that he can't experience that, but interesting that he has that awareness of not being able to connect with it.

It's so okay for you to feel all that frustration, anger, resentment, whatever at your H. Feel anything you feel, there's nothing wrong with it. Even if it's the depression or some other condition that's somewhat beyond his control, that doesn't make your experience or feelings invalid. You can feel those things and still have compassion for what he's going through.

—->Another question I have for you, is if you and your H do things as a couple in front of others does it ever fee weird to you since things are not as they seem? We have a weird double date at the end of the week that he scheduled with a couple we are not very close to so I am sort of not looking forward to doing all that. I am okay with the "pretending" thing like pretending he hasn't said he wants to leave in every day life but when it crosses the line into "acting" I get uncomfortable. My birthday is coming up and it is the same day as a big football game here he has been invited to and he asked me more or less should he go since it is my birthday. I find that to be a weird concept, he tells me he has no interest in our marriage, he is not an active participant in our marriage, but he worries I'll be offended if he goes to a football game on my birthday? Just very confusing and makes no sense.Sounds like you have had something similar going on in what you were describing your H being depressed but acting over the top happy at times. ←–

H and I evolved into that more isolated stage that you sometimes read about. Between his increasing negativity and self centeredness, our friends slowly drifted away. The dynamic where he seems to put on an act when other people are around, came later as his health and general well-being got worse. In H's case, he often seems like he's putting on a good front- like the way an animal tries to cover an illness- and after a certain amount of time can't keep doing it and will start zoning out or not looking well. Who knows if it's exhaustion caused by depression, or if it's a sign that he's got a deeper medical condition that's still undiscovered- possibly a little of both. Anyhow, people drifted away, and it became more trouble and effort for me than what it was worth, so we don't socialize much.

Birthdays… oh boy! That's probably where the earliest forms of passive aggressive behavior came out big time. He's one of those PAs who can covertly spoil any occasion. Over the last few years, my feeling has become that he can do whatever he wants, or join in on what DD and I already have planned. We never did much for birthdays, but his neglect, or other antics, were painful at times. Now, instead of wishing he were something different, I buy myself something I like, bake or buy the cake I want, and prepare a meal, maybe have some other plans. It's not ideal, not the way I wish my relationship operated, but I'm rarely disappointed. The more it doesn't depend on him, the more he seems to try and be involved in a positive way Now he's lost control, and he doesn't want to be left out. And that's fine- this way he can choose to do something nice, or do nothing at all -- which is to say that he doesn't have the opportunity to do mean passive aggressive things anymore.

Hope you have a happy birthday no matter what happens. Do something nice for yourself! You deserve it!