I'm having a severe case of limerence (that I'm unable to shake off) that's putting a damper on my overall love life. I just turned 40 years old and I've been single for almost all of my life so far. I don't have kids, but I would love to have at least 1 or 2 before I leave this world... but so far it doesn't seem to be working that way in my life. I feel like my biological clock is ticking away in terms of reproduction. I'm currently in love with my best-friend that I've known over 7 years. I feel so comfortable around him that I can tell him anything that's on my mind without feeling shameful, I even put myself in a vulnerable position. That's how comfortable I am with him. I love everything about him... his personality, most of his traits, and how gentle he is with his kids from a previous marriage.

My best friend knows that I have a crush on him.. I even told him that I loved him..several times now..I might of went a tad bit strong on how I felt back when I attempted to court him because he told me that I was being too strong soon after. I suffer from borderline personality disorder, and I feel that having this personality condition... I'm unable to have any kind of romantic relationship with anyone because I'm just too strong (which I can't help it) in my emotions for people to handle. When I love someone as deeply as I am with my best-friend (Hes also my FP), I let them know from the bottom of my heart and soul how much they mean to me. I'm completely open and honest about how I feel, and I don't hold back either... even so that I told him that I was sexually attracted to him.. which probably wasn't the best idea to say.. I don't know why but I keep messing up big time.. breaking every single rule in the relationship handbook..all of the things that you're not suppose to do... I tend do them for some stupid reason. I guess I'm just too stupid to be in a relationship.

Every so often I become resentful and hold grudges (Or splitting) towards my best-friend for not reciprocating back, for not giving me the opportunity to provide unconditional love to him, and to experience motherhood to his children from his previous marriage which I'm willing to adopt as my own.. I just want to start my own family, but I don't know how to because I wasn't taught how.

I know that my best friend doesn't owe me anything... I just can't shake it off, and face reality that he doesn't see me (He hasn't asked me out nor showed any hints... that I'm aware of) the way I see him. I'm quite sensitive when it comes down to rejection.

I'm a very jealous person. I get jealous of people who has a spouse or a boyfriend. I'm so jealous that I can't even handle watching movies that has relationships in it so I barely watch TV these days.


I feel that I'm destined to be alone... Feeling lonely and being alone seems to be a common feeling for me. I desire and crave love, but I can't seem to find it.