I've been following this forum for a while, but this is my first post. I'm just having a horrible month (or, more realistically...life). I have depression, which I know, and I also have recurrent pancreatitis, which, once it's gone and I have to pick up the pieces of my life, makes the depression worse. I just got over pancreatitis again about 2 months ago, and on my first day back at work, I found out I'm losing my job. I have until July 31 to find something or I'm out the door. No income, no medical insurance (without COBRA -- $300 a month), no 10 year anniversary at my job (in October), no nothing.

On top of that, I had to move back in with my mother about 3 years ago because of the pancreatitis and constant lack of money. I'm not sure what diagnosis she officially has, but there are no boundaries, she's constantly telling me how I'm taking advantage of her (even tho' I pay over half of the household expenses even on disability), and how I'm always antagonistic and disapproving. I know that you're only hearing my side, but she isn't in reality. These things aren't true, and they are just fanning the fuel of my depression. She thinks of no one but herself and how things affect her (like my possibly losing my job and whether or not I'll still be able to pay rent).

I had thought I would move out this summer, but now I'm faced with no job..... I'm trying not to be too big a burden on my friends, since I can see that some of them just don't really know how to react. I have been a cutter in the past, but I even tried that the other night with no relief. I can't sleep, I don't eat, I have no interest in anything. I have barely made it to work this week (late every day) and on Tuesday I went out and sat in my car for an hour and a half because I just couldn't function.

I have had several interviews, but now I haven't heard back from them. Also, I know that I'll get pancreatitis again (this past one was, like, number 12 in 14 years), so I know that this whole scenario will just repeat iself. I really think I just can't go on. I see the July 31 deadline like some big steel curtain closing down on my life. I don't enjoy anything any more and I can't seem to distract myself with anything either. Sleep would be a huge relief, but even when it comes, I am having all kinds of disturbing dreams.

Thanks for listening to me whine. I know there are so many people in the world dealing with way worse than me, and that makes me feel even more like the loser that I know I am.