I'm going through a highly rapid, expanding, confusing and mildly horrifying yet interesting, hopeful and accepted state of changed consciousness.

I have noooo idea what is happening. In fact, I had no idea what was happening since birth.

The worst part is that everyone is like this - And the people who are super smart, think they know everything, and don't see what I see.

I think deep. Real deep. I was given secrets by the psilocybin - and the nature of my illusionary self, my world experience, and rejection of societal and cultural norms, etc.

I could keep talking. But my cat is looking at me.. What do you want cat? Should I ask ChatGPT more questions, idk.. Connect with family? Why do that.. What does anything even mean. I want to put everything all together.. I can't even speak.. I write 100x better than I talk. It's lonely.

My autist friend is insecure about her looks.. Well she's a he.. So that's confusing too. And wants to move here to Canada - But Canada is a lie. People are stealing iPhones in mass from the Apple store. That's when you know that all of Western civilization has fallen.

Why am I even posting here anymore.. I have my drugs, they're all I've ever had.. Since I lost my mind, asked for help, and was given Prozac, which could have "calcified" my "pineal gland" - Or w/e BS that conspiracy theorists and spiritual people come up with (Which could probably be true - I'm not surprised by anything anymore, since I realize that life is an illusion, and that this world is being nuked with hyper novelty).. NEW THINGS! TECHNOLOGY! SHINY! I WANT DOPAMINE! (That's what everyone wants).

And everyone is divided.. There's 5th Generational Warfare or w/e, after 1st, 2nd.. etc.. And what if I was talking like this 3-4 years ago? I would be considered psychotic - But the threshold for psychosis has gone way up. No one cares anymore. I hate to be negative - I wish college and university mattered, and wasn't polluted by political ideology. I wish that "science" wasn't followed blindly (Manipulated evidence to control the masses) because people are too blind/unawakened and not connected spiritually or have much of an actual soul.

I didn't have a soul. Look what happened to me though, I see enough - Or at least rejected the thing - But yknow what happened... Avoidant, anxious, scared, isolated self, taken into isolation, abused, neglected. I came out of that - But my mom was dealing with her trauma.. High functioning alcoholic. I'm fine with her though now - And when she dies, Idk what will happen.. Probably the most horrible thing that will happen to me, crying forever... My dad too.

My siblings.. My sister is a free spirit, trying hard, living life.. My brother wants to be a cop - Great, he gets money.. But CSIS (The Canadian CIA) and other intelligence agencies are probably spying on me - But hey, everyones being spied on - And our data is being harvested.. The news is fake propaganda.. History is repeating itself (And I don't even know that much about history, apart from the internment camp that I spent in as a kid, learning useless information so I could become a slave and pay taxes/which is theft by a powerful, controlling, government organization, special interests, billionaires and monopoly corporations). All small businesses will be taken out.

Everywhere is a 3rd world country now. But anyways, MY MAIN GOAL - Is to find a reason to be optimistic about the future - But I'm not going to KMS until the pain is too unbearable. I get stronger every day... Finddd .. find some hobbies, focus attention away from survival? Altered states of consciousness that got me to a better state? Isn't that better than being ignorant, talking to myself on sex chats, showing off on camera? The only positive thing was that I stayed there to help the random suicidal people.. I know what it's like to feel intense psychological, spiritual, existential pain, and I don't want anyone else to feel that way. I took a LOT of methylphenidate, and would enjoy the crash - Complaining "Why am I crying, so much misery" - And that was yeaaaarrss ago.. Imagine the gears in my mind, and how they are rusted and torn, grinding day after day, me just hallucinating all of this ********, 24/7 though monologue like this. The only reason I'm able to write is down RN and rant, is cuz of that changed state of consciousness - Mindfulness I think?

And I can be in nature.. Yes.. Many people just escape to it completely.. That's cuz they NEED it. I don't. I don't even want to live (That was not me saying that.. I can split my mind, and perspectives.. It's super easy..) - I feel good, I'm positive (Enough for objective perspectives that are hidden from me - If everyone wasn't so divided for being so stupid about race, gender, sexuality, money, ethics, the structure of reality.. If people just took the time to study things for long enough without having such a short TikTok attention span).. Even me, not being able to do basic life stuff, cuz I'm not comfortable or experienced enough with the spirit world.. And DEATH..

And the energies of nations, corporations - The mountains, the rivers.. The sewage, fertilizer.. Oh 1/3 of fertilizer is gone (Cuz of the Ukraine war), and all areas of the world have certain stages of growth (Some skip stages, some do 7 within a generation - Like China, but then will die of starvation and population collapse). Like old people are sitting in homes, caged like a bird. You have to open the door of any trap in existence - No on wants to be trapped. We all like walls (Safety) - We have doors, so we can go out every once and a while. My mind feels like a trap. But yknow what? We. Enjoy. Our traps. That's existence.

Freedom? Everything has twisted in on itself.. Seeee with both hemispheres of your brain.. That's a whole CIA experiment, to do that.. It's easier to just smoke DMT, and speak with the alien entities - But when I talk to them? I will be guiding them, as I am the one (In reality, the environment also is just as equal, but they got to tell me something, as I know that my consciousness is connected to the divine by subjective, and all the objective evidence that I see around me.. Other people are like me.. And I will find. The way).

Happy Birthday Cogladaid! ^-;