Hi
I have been married for 18 1/2 years and blessed with some miraculous children in the last 11 years. I have given everything of myself, fully devoted, to my wife and children.
There have been hardships. My wife suffered from bad depression and horrible anxiety. Majority of the time it would even cause her paralyzing physical pain and force her into bed before I even got home from work most days.
Over the last 11 years I have found myself working all day only to come home and continue to work. Cooking dinner, clean up, bath time, and putting all the kids to bed. This became a daily routing that just got added onto even more as our children continued to grow and start school. Prepping lunches, school drop off, helping with homework and school projects you name it and I did it daily. Still do. My wife did do some but only things she cares to and felt benefits from. Like taking the kids shopping all the time. If she wasn’t doing what she wanted or enjoyed then she was straight in bed. I can’t even recall one time in the past where she has helped one of them with their homework.
I even brought her diners to her in bed while the kids and I ate at the table. Now this wasn’t a constant 100% of the time but I would say 90% of the time. I love my wife like no other man could imagine. I have never screamed at her, never called her a bad or even negative word, never even laid an hand on her in anger. I have endured and sacrificed so much for her. Supporting her and encouraging her through all her battles of depression and anxiety. (And I don’t mean supporting her financially. I mean mentally, physically, and assurance.
Over the years things got rocky. She lost her sex drive, all my work started to become an expectation. I started to feel undesired, unappreciated, and a not good enough failure. Eventually I became resentful.
I did my best to bury my resentment and keep it hidden but it ended up turning me into a negative person in my heart. I hid it very well but it would bleed through sometimes by my lack of excitement.
Stress off it all also stated to get to me and I chose the unhealthy easy ways to cope with it. Like a little extra wine and vaping. The drinking was never concerning since I still kept it limited and don’t care to drink to the point of being drunk. Just enough to relax my nerves. I’ve honestly actually been drunk less than 5 times our entire marriage.
The vaping I was very shameful about and kept hidden. I did this for almost 2 years while telling myself I would stop it and quit. I was not able to do so until she found out. And everything changed. She was so hurt that I kept it hidden and then lost all trust in me.
I also had a mental breakdown from everything I was taking on. I was working 2 jobs one full time the other part and still trying to take on everything at home when I got there to give her a break. Eventually I just broke and starting begging for my life to end. I never would have harmed myself but I was more than ready to just let the Lord take it.
Fast forward two more years and just as her trust is coming back I made another BIG mistake. Remember when I said she had lost her sex drive. Well, after years of begging for intimacy and constantly being rejected and deprived and feeling even more and more undesired. I had given in and downloaded a porn app. I did look at it for less than a minute and felt guilty so I closed it and told myself maybe later. I should have just deleted it but it didn’t.
A few days went buy and I almost forgot that I had it on my phone. Well she picked up my phone and found it. The trust was broken again but even worse. She tells like she can never trust me again and has convinced herself that I have even cheated on her now. Honest truth is that the porn has been the worst of it.
I understand she feels betrayed by the porn and I am not excusing it. I was weak, it was wrong, and I did make a mistake.
With all her anxiety over the years and the fact that she has no coping skills; she was never able to get past even the slightest imperfections and innocent mistakes that take place in everyday life. She eventually has allowed any little memory in turn resurface and festered on it. Her parents shielded her so much from the slightest thoughts of pain, fears, traumas, that she was never given the chance or opportunity to develop and learn how to cope and move through even the slightest stressful situation.
So now with all that built up she has now filed for divorce. She is trying to kick me out of our home and gain full custody of the kids and trying to add a verbal understanding of “letting” me see them 50/50. She comes from a family of money and has always been spoiled by first her parents and then me. Expect I don’t come from money. I make an ok living but nothing great. Her parents gave her the money she wanted to hire an attorney and file. I have no money for an attorney and am fearful of loosing my kids. I am trying everything to make a way possible that truly holds their best interest in place and allows both of us to be present for them 100% of the time that they are used to outside of our jobs.
She is being very vindictive and unwilling to compromise. She is attacking it all as her way or the highway. In reality sense she is still a child herself with little parental skills and definitely doesn’t have any understanding of how to handle any serious important issues with the children when it comes to their development.
Her answer to anything and everything stressful or traumatic is shopping. Making her also very financially immature. Even her way of how to break this horrible news to our children that will impact their lives and future is to say something short and sweet and say that this will be better for them because we would “both” be giving them 100% focus and the take them out for a fun weekend full of ice cream, fun and games. That literally is with no exaggeration.
Of course we have not told them yet because I was unwilling to agree with that. She doesn’t understand that this is a big change that needs to allow the the opportunity to absorb and ask questions and be allowed to express their emotions of it all. Not that I feel it should be dragged out but allow the ability of it while providing comfort. I also don’t get her thought of both of us giving the 100% focus. I have always been 100% focused on them. That isn’t changing from me.
Anyway as of now I am crying everyday for my children, heartbroken over losing my best friend and feeling completely lost, alone, and up against a loosing battle since I can’t afford an attorney. I need to file a response with the courts by this week or I literally lose it all. I have done my best to do it all properly but I’m afraid. Only other option is to come up with $5k to get an attorney on retainer to give me a fighting chance. All of my income goes towards the mortgage, bills and household expenses leaving me with nothing extra.
She works from home and her income can be good sometimes but it is extremely inconsistent and not full time.
Even through all this and her extremely mean behavior towards me during all this I still miss and love her so much.
Now I pretty much cry myself to sleep, on the pullout couch, every night if I sleep at all. I may get an average of 3 hours of sleep lately.
I am here cause I truly feel and am alone. With all my devotion to work and my family I never really made time to make friends or even have a life outside of that.
I’m hoping I can find others that can relate and provide useful advice and comfort and maybe even friendship.
Sorry this got so long.