Honestly it felt better at least because I didn't have to go pretend the counseling was also for me. I am guessing if I went now it would feel better because she clarified the role that I have there. I think my main problem was that she never made clear to me that I was not her patient so not knowing that, I felt mistreated because I knew she wasn't counseling me or looking out for my interests. It did not have any effect on him, and I did ask him if he was planning on doing the family therapy she recommended and he was non-committal so seems like that is not something that is happening now.

The double date and party ended up fine. He did figure out the party thing and joined me there as I had already planned to go with a friend and certainly was not going to change my plans for him. The double date was fine, I like this couple and he was able to socialize regularly but it does feel weird to me.

My birthday is actually tomorrow. I have kids sports stuff and then a happy hour with girlfriends and then my H and I may go to dinner. I finally told him I felt it was weird for us to go to dinner because it felt like a farce. We actually had somewhat of a good conversation because I came to this realization that when it comes to our relationship my H has what we both call "rock brain". That is a term my oldest son's therapist coined. Since my oldest son is on the spectrum, we use this term with him. It means that his brain is not flexible and he is not open to considering actual reality, compromise or specifics of the situation and instead is focusing on his idea of what he wants with no room for negotiation even if the idea is not based on reality. For example, my boys share a room and my oldest won't go to bed if his little brother is in there with him, even if he is quiet so the fact that he is not alone means he won't sleep even apart from the actual circumstances. My H has rock brain because he has told himself he is out of our relationship so he is just not open to it regardless of how he actually feels or the specifics. I was happy H admitted this is true because that felt pretty good to be validated. H acknowledged that it is weird to go to dinner but he is open to it.

This week my therapist recommended this book, "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix actually for my H but I am pre-screening and I find it fascinating. It talks all about why partners pick each other in terms of negative and positive traits from their parents and different ways to come together as a couple and how that has evolved over the years. There are a few really helpful and interesting things there even just for me myself. I also told my H during our conversation that I do think he has the capacity to change if he wants to. He is just in this very toxic era and it is sometimes, as you know, so toxic it feels like we are all under water with him.


Do you think having predictability in your H's pattern makes it easier for you to cope with? I'm curious because I am not consistent in responding as I should to my H's issues even though I know what to do. This is something I am striving towards but I wonder if knowing the pattern helps you. That is very interesting about homecoming and not over sharing. This all sounds very familiar unfortunately for us both!


I hope you had a great/steady week and have a great weekend ahead! This journey is so winding and never ending sometimes but one of the plus sides (among the overwhelming down sides) is I feel like it has helped me understand many thinks about myself better.