I agree with this. I was an alcoholic for years and stopped drinking at the point where I really started to focus on me - what my body was experiencing, what my needs are (true and pure needs, not wants or habits or compulsions), what I didn't want for myself. As I became more self-concerned and selfish, I stopped.

Everything in your post sounds very dramatic. Hate, death, pushing, fcks flying around, stigma, slaps, blowing up, pieces of shyt. Inhabiting a place of these extremes is a falsehood. Our lives, including our pains, are far more mundane and ordinary than this. Without these extremes, you can find new ways of being which aren't so grand and consuming.

When I stopped drinking (I might drink again, I don't plan to), I was able to stop because I focused on the simple and small thing of not physically buying alcohol. I just didn't buy alcohol. I didn't go to the shop. I cut off my supply by not leaving the house and did this one day after the other. Huge act of taking responsibility for myself, very hard to find the discipline, but it was a small, simple and straightforward intervention. Alcohol doesn't go in my basket and I am selfishly thinking about myself and no one else - and not expecting anyone else to do anything for me. There are so many little points where you make a choice - when you put on your shoes to leave the house, when you walk down the alcohol aisle, when you pick up the bottle, when you open your wallet. At each little point you can do it differently. I am not saying this will work for you, but finding your small (but ultimately huge) thing to control and take responsibility for could be a way in to feeling more wholesome. And then when you are sober, the real therapy work can begin and you might feel differently about your team and the support which is available to you.