—>I had already planned to go with a friend and certainly was not going to change my plans for him.<---
100% yes! Good for you. That's absolutely the right mindset.
In regards to that double date you went on, I try to reframe that sort of thing in my mind, it sounds like maybe you have to? That you can go and socialize as an individual, and enjoy it for what it is? But it can be a little weird feeling to think that the other couple may have a different perception of how your relationship really is. It probably also depends on the vibe you and H are giving off. Mine's generally much friendlier in front of others, to the point it can be galling at times.
Happy belated birthday! How was it? Hope it was good.
Rock brain- I like that and may have to borrow it. It's especially appropriate this week. I've come up against H's very rigid thinking (and low awareness), as well as that of his rigid family system.
On a possibly related note to that, I've been reading about damage to the amygdala in the brain, which is associated with things like borderline personality, alcohol use disorder, some dementias, and various other conditions. It fits H's issues almost exactly, and if that's what's going on, it's largely beyond his control. That's very hard to accept as a possibility.
It's good that you felt validated by your H about how dinner out felt. There's something about feeling like you're on the same page, even for a short time, and even if the subject isn't as positive as it could be.
The book sounds interesting. Will your H read it and get much out of it, do you think? At least you are getting something out of it.
Mine is completely closed-minded to recommendations from anyone else. If yours is open to that, well, that's something anyway.
The other day, someone pointed out that if H is incapable of loving himself at present, he's incapable of loving anyone else. I knew that… funny how easy that is to forget at times….
—->Do you think having predictability in your H's pattern makes it easier for you to cope with?<---
NO! Absolutely not. Lol. At his baseline, he seems to be angry and uncomfortable, so while the "seasonal" shifts have become predictable, his behavior beyond that is not predictable. In the euphoric phase he has bursts of high energy, talks faster than is easily understandable, paces around the house restlessly, sometimes exercises so intensely that he looks like he might hurt himself (a concerned neighbor approached me twice about that a few years ago), and then over top of that he has what looks like borderline mood shifts. In the dysphoric phase, he mumbles and talks slowly, has low energy, doesn't attempt to do much extra in the way of projects, can look very depressed at times, and on top of that he has what looks like borderline mood shifts.
Here's maybe a way to describe it… bipolar could be thought of as a smooth wavy line that slowly undulates up and then down over a centerline. Borderline is like an unpredictable, jagged line that shoots into points on either side of a baseline. With H, there's that bipolar/cyclothymic-like line that moves back and forth slowly, and then on top of that undulating line there's another line of sharp peaked spikes of mood up and down.
I very slightly prefer him when he's in the more depressed mode, because the hypomanic energy and near constant movement/pacing is exhausting for everyone in the household. But other than that, not much else is all that predictable. Whether euphoric or dysphoric, you never know what's going to set him off and if he's going to have an episode of being pissy and verbally aggressive, or withdrawn and not talk for days. That's part of the eggshell-walking life with a borderline type person– we say he's always 30 seconds from a meltdown, to remind ourselves that literally anything and everything has the potential to trigger him. To reiterate though, I don't know that it's comorbid borderline/bipolar, it's just what it looks like in the surface.
It's been a bad week here. I've endured 2 of his meltdowns this week. Handled one well, misstepped on the other. It was likely triggered by contact he had with his FOO and things going on with them, so it's a continuing issue (for him) at present. Despite it all, I'm doing okay. I'm largely detached, and able to emotionally regulate fairly quickly nowadays, but have some introspection to do about how to deal with him and just what kind of expectations might be reasonable (given that it's likely there are uncontrolled brain irregularities/damage). And more importantly, what I need to do to take care of myself. It's been a somewhat rough week.
I'll wrap it up there with apologies if it wasn't much help this week.
How has your week been? Hope it's been a stable one for you.
