Am I completely stupid that he's dead and he still completely governs how I think and what I allow myself to feel That I'll try so hard not to feel ways that I know he wouldn't approve of, that I'll beat myself up if I cry because I know he would have. That I can't type or say what I need to let out because it would anger the memory of him And when I can type it out I delete it or hate myself if I leave it up.

I'm stupid because I'm an adult and he still controls me. How I think, how I feel, how I cope, everything. Stupid me. Why can't I defy someone who's dead. I'm powerless all over again and I hate the feeling.

And Father's Day so soon... now I'm a father too. Not a good one I don't think And all I can think about are my abusers, especially dad, and poor Vlad.

And that makes me want to cry all over again but I'm not supposed to cry