There are moments in my life where I think how I've been single for 8 years and I see people in relationships and I think about my phobia talking to people I like but never connecting that maybe I'm so scared of talking to them or getting close because I think they'll hurt me. It's still a stupid thing that I'd even care about it or even get so anxious about how much I want to talk to them and how sick it gets me but also the longer I don't do it the worse it gets. It makes me feel sad and sometimes feel like a black hole I can't get out of it's also the same with making friends I feel like there's no one worth trusting or anyone that I feel is like me. If I even know what like me is but there's this underlying loneliness that I have from not having friends. It becomes hard when all you can think about is how much you want to talk to people but you can't it becomes all consuming like an obsession and just makes you sick with anxiety. It would make sense that I have social anxiety I've been in loads of situations where I felt humiliated by people I thought were friends. However, I never did get over being abandoned by those people that I thought were friends. It makes me think about why I still think so much about talking to him. I just wish I had a true friend or someone that cared for me I feel I deserve that love. It's hard to feel like you deserve love when all your life you feel like people have betrayed and then left you. Honestly I hope one day I'll stop caring about weather I do talk to them or not and just live my life.