Two days ago I tried to kill myself. I'm not stating this for sympathy or attention, because the truth is that two days ago, I came closer than I care to mention. The funny thing is, that coming out of the other side of it, I've found a rush of life that's made me everything from contemplative to horny, and I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that what I did and more importantly what I did is not and never will be a way out; it's confirmed in me that there's something there waiting for me when it is my time, but that's the thing - it wasn't my time, and it wasn't my place. I'm meant to go in a dignified way with people around me that genuinely love and care for me, and when I started that journey, I never would have dreamed that the possibility of being loved or cared for would be possible.

I've been fighting with depression for most of my life now; I've been fighting long and hard to pick myself up time and time again, and I'm not over-exaggerating when I state that there is more in my life than anyone, anywhere, no matter who should have to deal with; I've let it destroy my innocence, I've let it consume me in the form of undirected hatred, and until recently I thought I'd had it under control with the policy of not practicing violence and trying to be on good terms with everyone, and the thing as, with as many good things that have been happening in my life of late, I've let myself notice the bad, and let the bad mount on top of me until the moment culminated in one act, one selfish act that probably could have been avoided if I'd just reached out to the right person, at the right time.

You see, that's the thing. And this is what I'm hoping people will walk away from here; depression can be survived and overcome; whether through willpower, or the right medication, or simply having someone to pick the phone up to and allow them to calm me down just by telling me that it was going to be ok; depression doesn't have to be lonely, and depression can be fought and won against, and despite this latest setback, I'm winning - I can feel it, because despite those low moments, I know there's so much more worth living for.

I'm sorry if any of this comes across as preachy, but I needed to clear the air; I needed the people who read this site to know that I am, and will continue to be ok, and that I'll try to be stronger, and that I intend to be around for a long time to come...I just stumble sometimes, and it's then that I need to be forgiven for my flaws and sins.

The outset of the past couple of days now, is that I'm back to seeing a psychiatrist..psychologist...I forget which, I get confused, and that my dosage of medication has been increased a little again to level my moods out; anything I could harm myself has been removed, and the people who really care about me have rallied around, and they seem intent to make sure that I'm ok when I go to sleep at night.

Like I said, I don't know why I'm writing this, but I think I just needed to get what I'd done and where I am out there so I could read it back in my head.