Not for the first time I've come to the realization that no medication is going to fix me. My experience with medication is that it pulls me out of a crisis (and obviously, that's really important and a really big deal). But that's all it does. So, if my level of mental and emotional suffering is at a 10/10 during a crisis, medication pulls me back to maybe a 7 or 8/10. So, that's obviously better than crisis level. But it's still a long way away from where I'd ideally like to be. For many years now I've been stuck in this cycle of having a crisis, changing my medication, coming out of the crisis, but then nothing changes. I just plod along feeling pretty bad but not 10/10 bad. And then, at some point, there's another crisis. And I change meds and then the whole thing starts all over again. I know that what i really need to do is use those periods in between having a crisis to really make some changes in my life. And yet, I just can't seem to do that.

I don't mean to be cryptic. There's nothing really terrible about my life. There's nothing terrible about it at all. But at the same time, my world has become very small. I'm pretty withdrawn socially. My suffering is 99% internal though, unresolved emotional stuff, some past trauma , obviously the mood swings, the depression and anxiety etc etc.....

I don't even know where I'm going with this. I guess it's because I recently started another new medication - Lithium - and although I can tell that it's helping me, it's only helping me a modest amount. And I can sense I'm drifting back into that place of plodding along and not addressing some things in my life that I really need to address and some changes I really need to make. I keep hoping I'm going to find a medication that will magically give me the motivation to tackle some difficult emotional problems. But there is no medication that can help me with that. I have to make some changes myself. I've had so much therapy and we always get to this point where the therapist says it's up to me to make some changes. And that is true. Why can't I do that? I feel so frustrated with myself.