That is a good point, my H is not necessarily friendlier to me in front of others, definitely not unfriendly just same sort of ambivalence as every other day. So in that way it doesn't feel like we are putting on a show or anything so that part is a relief. My birthday was very nice with the kids and my friends. I did end up going to dinner w my H another night to celebrate and I did definitely struggle with it. Its not that I mind us going to dinner together necessarily, it just feels off to me to be like here is a person who made certain promises to me, who is now ambivalent because he in some crisis that I did not cause, but now I am pretending he is my real husband again? I don't know. Maybe I just need to work on letting go of the original expectation? I will say I am glad I have an appointment with my therapist this week to discuss this stuff.


I am also going to tackle the topic of communication with my therapist. My H just lacks a basic ability to communicate his wants, needs and more pertinent to this discussion, when things irritate him. We got into it a little bit this morning because yesterday during one of the birthday celebrations for my son, whose birthday was yesterday and we did a party for him yesterday as well, my H was so rude to me and I didn't understand why. Then this morning we had to go to my son's school to do a little birthday celebration and essentially on the way home I got told by him "why do I never have anything nice to say to him" and I think I made a conscious decision to engage with him and let it devolve into me telling him how I feel (which is NEVER a good idea these days) and then he ended up yelling at me which I am very uncomfortable with. But, I am proud of myself because after he calmed down I was able to say to him that the problem is that he doesn't tell me when things I do upset him. So he keeps it bottled up and then explodes at me and it feels like it comes from nowhere and it is always an overreaction. So it is really unfair to me in many ways and I told him so and that he needs to just tell me when things upset him so I can apologize and we can move on. Because of how he grew up and how stifled he was, I literally cannot predict what may trigger him. Sometimes it feels like it is EVERYTHING. But what good does it do if he doesn't tell me anything he feels and then is a jerk to me out of nowhere? Anyways, I am not happy I engaged with him because I know I shouldn't, but I am happy I was able to sort of try to teach him how to communicate better. He just doesn't know how to. I also acknowledge it is SO difficult to be in my position, and that he may never acknowledge that to me, and that is okay because I know it. And, I think it is even okay when I am mean back to my H and make comments like he does to me. I always say to him that I am a person too, which is true and he forgets because he does hold me to an impossible standard. Sometimes I wonder how much can a person expect to put up with? I imagine you have felt the same at times.


Back to what you were saying about your H, that is such a good explanation you have that really highlights your struggle with your H too. That does make sense what you are saying, I cannot imagine it is easy to live with someone who is hypomanic and always moving around, it would totally be exhausting. Does he have any insight into this behavior when he is that way? I am just curious because at least for me sometimes it helps me when my H acknowledges his behavior even if he will do nothing or can do nothing to change it. I am so sorry that you've endured a bad week but I am glad you are coping as best you can. It is hard to keep those expectations reasonable even if you know who you are dealing with and even if part or all of it is not entirely their fault or within their control. It is sort of like what I was saying above, we are still people too and in such a hard position no matter the reason. So, all that to say I am glad you are cutting yourself some slack and doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. I hope you keep doing it!


I sure hope this past week was better for you and a stable one. I'm hoping for an easy week for us both!