Hey again.

Hope this week has been a decent one for you.

It sounds like you had a well celebrated birthday, all things considered.

Maybe it's good in some ways that your H is at least consistent in his behavior, whether alone or with others. Not that it's less hurtful or confusing, but at least maybe you can guess at what you'll have to deal with? Hopefully not too many surprises?

—>Maybe I just need to work on letting go of the original expectation?<---

Yeah, this is tough because it's your expectation and not an unreasonable one. But, obviously, if he can't/won't be that, you can't make him be that.

I've sort of taken to addressing things at face value- almost like you would with a stranger- and back to that 'actions speak louder than words.' That's not to say that if he acts nice for an hour everyone accommodates him, but rather to not overthink the perpetual ups and downs too much. He's got problems right now, and I'm just going with the flow as best as I can. Think about relaxing in an inner tube on a river and letting the current take you along to wherever you'll end up downstream. You don't have to make a lot of effort, and the only person you need to manage in the current, is you (and sometimes dependent children who can't always manage for themselves). Is that a crummy analogy? It's adapted from anxiety work…

Hopefully your therapist has some ideas for things that may work in regards to better communicating with him. You've come up with some very good methods already, from what you've shared.

I'm sorry you got looped into one of those draining arguments. That sounds familiar. Was the argument you had one of those circular ones? Where you feel like he's pushing you around and around in an attempt to get you to go where he wants? Mine loves to do that, and will just not quit as long as he thinks he might find a way to "win". (To me, we should be making a team effort, but for him it's win-lose - it helps to be able to see that with increasing clarity).

Some disordered people, especially those who are unable to connect with their feelings, will also push those closest to them into the emotions that they, themselves, can't express. So if they're angry (or sad, or hurt, or frustrated, etc) in their minds, a good course of action is to make someone close to them angry, so they've essentially displaced the anger (or whatever emotion they can't allow themselves to feel) onto someone else - like passing a hot potato.

Anyway, good for you for staying calm and holding your ground. That's not always easy. And if the above resonates with you, I've found that if you're able to refrain from the negative emotions he's pushing you towards, then he's still stuck with them instead of you doing him the favor of taking the hot potato. Staying calm and rational also helps dissipate any "I win, you lose" dynamic.

—>Sometimes I wonder how much can a person expect to put up with?<---

That's the individual million dollar question - it's your call when you've hit your limit. And also your call as to what you do about it.

Here's something I've found helpful, which is to approach the situation as something that you're choosing to do for a reason. Whether it's the kids, finances, your concern for him, your belief in commitment, something you need from your current situation… there's a reason you're staying. You can think something along the lines of "I'm choosing to stay because it makes sense for ME in this moment" or maybe it's "I'm choosing to be here in an effort to help someone who isn't currently able to help himself." Whatever the reason is, empower yourself to the choice(s). And when a choice no longer works for you, you'll shift to a different choice, kwim?

In situations like ours, people often won't understand why we're remaining where we are. It doesn't matter if they understand or not, but we probably should for our own sake. You can undoubtedly list a number of reasons why you should leave the situation, but can you define why you're remaining, and why that's important? Whyever you're staying, and putting up with the things you are, it might be helpful or important for you to be able to define it.

And never forget that you're entitled to change your mind at any time.

You asked if H is aware of himself- he has moments of awareness that seem generally fleeting. For example, those irrational borderline-esque episodes where he misinterprets and overreacts? Sometimes, a week or two after the fact, he'll admit to being aware that he reacted to something that only existed inside his head. Not always though; there are lots of times he's convinced he's done nothing at all wrong, or that the problem was with the other person. But even when he admits to the problem, it gets swept under the rug almost immediately and isn't talked about again. So it's like at times he can see how he is, but the shame (or whatever) is too great for him to remain in a self aware state.

Despite the recent issues, I've been able to detach and distance emotionally better than ever before. Given the current drama going on in his FOO, it's become frighteningly easy to see where much of the dysfunction/disorder likely stems from. It's like standing off to one side watching a play that makes so much sense, and realizing that it has absolutely nothing to do with me. It's rather freeing. So this week it feels like my feet are back under me in a little more solid way- at least for the time being.

I hope that you are doing well, and that you will be heading into a weekend that's got some fun and relaxation waiting for you.