hey. yeah... i was talking about my boyfriend at that point, but i'm not surprised that that was confusing. they are kind of run together... in my mind at least.

there is the notable absence of another person from the list. I'll call him 'M'. I loved him, too. but i didn't want to consider him... messed me up big time (a home group leader when i was 14). i loved him, too. and he left me. inevitably. his priority needed to lie with his family. and his loving me... was precisely why he needed to commit to never seeing me again.

my therapist is kind. that is why i love him. i know it is transference. but then if freud is to be believed ALL of our relationships have a transference aspect to them. i know that i'll never get to be with my therapist - that that is the nature of our relationship. i'm okay with that. i figure that if we stepped outside the therapy bonds (which we won't) then i'd lose my therapist as my therapist. and that is who i love... my therapist as my therapist.

but i do obsess a little about whether he thinks of me outside therapy at all... even for a moment.
and i do think it is a little unfair that he clearly means much more to me than i mean to him.
and i don't like him having the power to make my day (by emailing me or texting me) or break my day (by not emailing me or texting me).
i don't like him having such power to affect me so, and i don't like the emotional demands that my love places on him... i don't like it at all.

i do wish that i could save my love for someone who loved me in return.

but then if i did that... i wouldn't have loved anybody. anybody at all. except perhaps M. and... no good would have come of that either.