I don't know that I would call myself a survivor as I'm still going through it. My abuser has always been my father. Physical when I was a kid, emotional always.

For some back story, my mother died unexpectedly when I was 13. Somehow, being the youngest, my dad latched onto me and I became the default caregiver/adult in the family. My brother and sister left the moment they turned 18, leaving me alone with my dad and I just got stuck. It was up to me to walk him through every problem he had. Every minor situation was an emergency that I had to soothe him through. My wants and needs didn't matter. I was always made to feel like a failure and disappointment.

So, one day I finally decided I wanted more. I got what was supposed to be a temp job that I excelled at, I moved up quickly and was finally building a life. This was when I finally realized what had been happening. Suddenly the subtle emotional abuse became an overt all-out, prolonged attack. I was just blindsided by it and it devastated me. I allowed the emotional manipulation and self-sabotage to get the better of me and I quit my job, trapping myself here. I honestly just gave up and I can't stop hating myself for it.

I can't make a move without him knowing about it. He has to know where I am, who I'm with and what I'm doing at all times. If I try to go anywhere, he follows me to my car. If I'm gone longer than expected, he calls and wants an explanation. If I buy anything, he has a comment. He threatens to kill my cat (I've had several pets die when I've been out of town). Any noise from my room and he has to know what I'm doing. Anything of mine is his. He knows several of my ex-coworkers from church(yes, he's a deacon) and bad mouths my ex bosses to them (I assume so they won't rehire me).

It's like living in prison and I can't figure out why I allow it. I'm an adult, I'm capable and I'm better than this. I don't understand why I don't stop it. He's an elderly man and I'm stronger than he is, but he makes me feel hopeless like I'm still a child. We live in the country and I feel so isolated. My only friends live far away. I'm currently looking for a new job, but I'm afraid he'll sabotage it. I don't know why I'm allowing myself to be a victim.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I 100 percent feel responsible for trapping myself in this situation. I'm really just trying to understand why. Anyone else have this sort of bizarre inability to go against their abuser? I'm stronger than this.