I am moving out of the area. My pdoc appointment didn't go well and she basically said "we know you're borderline now so no one can take your suicidal impulses and reckless behavior seriously." So I cussed her out and left and shot meth.

My case manager found out where I was and sent me to this crisis center where I could hear them reading my notes and making all these shytty comments."Just because she's borderline doesn't mean she's not human" (the nicer comment) "Wow, this client is a mess," "I bet she likes being choked," "never going to be in recovery." At night they were intentionally trigger me (I told them my triggers were slamming doors, loud noises, heavy food steps, yelling, and every night I was there the staff would take the locked doors and keep opening and shutting them every minute or so for the four hours after I took my night meds and was trying to sleep, and they would pick fights with each other about stupid shyt like whether it should be "I'm bipolar" or "I have bipolar" like it makes a difference, and I heard this guy say "This oughtta make 'er take a PRN" and start stomping on the floor and slamming binders on the counter). I asked to take my PRN, then when I took it they would throw it on the floor and make me eat it off the ground and say "better now, junkie?" and because of high demand they kicked me out and sent me to a homeless shelter.

But I'm back at mom's to pack some stuff in case my case manager finds a sober living residential for me soon. She called places in southern NH, MA, and RI. Just waiting to hear back.

I'm trying to figure a way out of some benzo legal issue I got myself into too. My pdoc reported me as a potential drug dealer because I told her I weened myself off of diazepam but the pharmacy told her I still picked up my valium (it's in a fking bubble pack I'm not going to wait another day for them to destroy the pack and make a new one).

My mom found my sui note where I admitted to being an alcoholic/drug addict/bulimic and she doesn't want me in the house anymore so it's crashing on couches, sleeping in the car, crisis centers, and homeless shelters for me. Might fake a sza episode to get into a cushy IP place and not tell the ER about BPD/SUD (I'll go out of the region) if CW says it's going to be months before I get into sober living.