My mom said I can hang out today because I'm supposed to have case management, and it's getting kinda cold out. I've been clean & sober 16 days now too (though, according to the crisis center, I'll never be in recovery because I'll always be struggling with something like last night I freaked, SH'd, and b/p'd...on Dunk's leftovers I got in a trash bag at closing lol).

I'll be good and clean up the house--make it smell nice, get rid of the rest of my shet, make sure I got rid of all my vomit containers/food hoard, yada yada.

I had two non-druggie irl friends I was hoping would let me crash with them. Nope. They want absolutely nothing to do with me anymore. Hurts so fking much (why I had a meltdown last night). The things I want to tell them. I don't want to make things worse though, which is apparently what I always do so I'm going to say "screw them and everyone else in this godforsaken region" and tell my CW I want to go to southern New England. One of the other ACT members that brought me from the crisis center to my pdoc's appointment said she wanted to send me to another residential for mental health first though (eating disorder specifically I think? Substances maybe? all of it potentially? she was very all over the place and confusing). So that might be in the works.

Oh yeah:
Totally was NOT psychotic. Pdoc was not happy with me only taking an AP PRN "because I'm bound to miss some signs and have a break" or some bs, so she put me on Abilify and last night I started freaking out and obsessing about spiders. Seeing them. Everywhere. Feeling them. No matter how many times I change my clothes and shower or strip and scratch... and scratch... and scratch... and she wants to put me on the injection once I taper up??? Ha! Not happening!