You are totally right about that. There is definitely a consistency and even though I do not particularly care for how he is acting, it certainly does not change at all. So I suppose there is some comfort in that.


I think that is really good advice you have to not read too much into things and to try and take things at face value, I know we've talked about this before that actions speak louder than words and there is something to that. And, if I can remember it and implement it I think I will do better. I am going to work on that and I think it will help because I tend to not do this and instead sort of lump every action in with this history and try to analyze it in that context and I think that is not helping anyone. Plus, as is so often the case with many men, sometimes my husband's actions have no actual meaning to them and are just based on how he feels at the time he makes them. So reading into them is not helpful.


I also found what you said about reaching my breaking point helpful. You are totally right that in every case there are reasons people are staying and I don't need to judge my own reasons just like I would not judge other people's reasons. I am going to work on empowering myself to that choice as well. I think so much of this is about mindset and it is so helpful when I remember all of this advice together because it really puts things in the best way possible and then puts me in the best frame of mind possible. I can totally define why I have chosen to stay in my marriage at this time and why it is important to me and there are so many reasons right now, many of which you listed. And I do think it is okay that some are having to do with our relationship and what I think marriage means and some have to do with practical implications like finances and the kids. And the combination of those things at this time add up to me wanting to remain married. Maybe one day the equation will change and then I will deal with that then. Sometimes I just find it helpful to have someone else who is in a somewhat similar situation validate my feelings so I appreciate that.


That makes sense about the self awareness and limitations with your H. I was just curious because sometimes it can be such a relief when they acknowledge their behavior, even if it is short lived. I am so glad you are able to detach right now. I really do feel like that has to be such a difficult skill to learn so good for you. I find that FOO drama so scary and interesting from an outsiders perspective and feel the same way as you. My H's parents have been on an extended vacation for the past three weeks and since they live in the same city as us it has been AMAZING to have them gone. This is true even though my MIL is very helpful with the kids and everything, it is still SO MUCH EASIER to have them gone. There is a peace around that does not exist when they are here.


My therapist had such good ideas to help with communication and even some will translate over to my middle child who also has similar issues to my H in that these are people you can't correct or hint they made a mistake in any way because they are otherwise so hard on themselves. She had some really good ideas at how this can work and I even wrote them down so I can implement them. She also had some ideas about how to prevent my H from exploding since he can't communicate with me and things like that. I honestly wish we had seen her together, but if my H ever wants to actually check back into our marriage, these are ideas that would REALLY help. And, on a separate note, she helped me identify my own core issues which apparently almost has but you can get rid of them if you have a good relationship with your parents as an adult then you "heal them". I find all of that so fascinating.


I am coming off of a very busy weekend so there is not much time to interact and at this point I am totally okay with that. My H will more or less do the logistics with the kids I need him to, and even if he doesn't do them in the most connected way, I am glad he is at least functioning enough to spend time with the kids and help me out, so there's my re framing there.

I hope you are having a good start to the week!